Today's Joke Thread

[sdismukes]

It's been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington D.C, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated.

Bewildered, since he hadn't heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down and then driving off. Surprisingly, nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. John rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!"

"Oh my gosh!" exclaimed John.

"And they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom."

"Jeez Louise!" moaned John.

"Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!"

"Lord have mercy!" cried John.

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" asked John.



"About a gallon"

 

[sdismukes]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

[tinplas]

 

[tinplas]

 

[sdismukes]

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."

 

[sdismukes]

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

 

[Bozz10mm]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

 

[Bozz10mm]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”

 

[robertc1024]

Y'all hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

[sdismukes]

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

 

[Dawico]

.

 

[orbitup]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps..

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

 

[sdismukes]

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindi," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"

 

[sdismukes]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish man?
Mick Jagger says "hey you get off of my cloud".
A Scottish man says "hey McCloud get off of my ewe".

 

[sdismukes]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

[sdismukes]

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

 

[Just Geri]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

 

[sdismukes]

I used to work with a man named Bruce who's ancestors could be traced back to Scotland. A couple of the characteristics of the Scots are that they are rough and tumble breed and they are thrifty. By rough and tumble what I mean is kinda of like, "If it doesn't fit, your hammer is too small."

Thrifty does not mean they are good with money ... just that they don't like to let go of it. For example, if a loaded oil tanker was on sale for $1.00, Bruce would pass on the deal because - "Hey! It's a dollar."

Well one day I see Bruce and he seems to be flush with cash. New clothes, and buying drinks for everyone in the bar, etc.

I asked what was going on and he informed me that an aunt of his had died and left him a small fortune. All he had to do was take care of her African Gray parrot, which was in transit and should arrive the following day. I congratulated him on his good fortune and we parted ways for a couple of weeks.

The next time I saw him he looked like he had been through the mill. Disheveled hair, bags under his eyes, and a gray pallor that was unfamiliar on his normally ruddy face. He told me that the parrot, which was the source of his wealth, stuttered incessantly. All day long it was, "Pppppppritty bbbbbbird," and "Ppppppolly want a ccccccracker." It was creating a great deal of stress and Bruce was unable to get much sleep.

I told him that maybe he should take it to a veterinarian to see if something could be done. He said that vets cost too much and that a friend of his knows about parrots and had instructed him to file off the tip of the bird's beak and that would end the stuttering.

That seemed a little dangerous to me because, without the tip of its beak to open his seeds, the bird might not be able to eat, and could starve to death . Again I implored him to consult a professional, but being a thrifty Scotsman he declined, insisting his friend was an expert and the recommend action would not hurt the parrot. Again we parted ways.

I didn't see him again for a few weeks, and asked him if filing the beak had cured the bird's stuttering problem. He said, "Well, yes and no."

"What do you mean," I asked.

"Parrot's dead," he explained.

I said, "I told you that bird would starve if you filed off the tip of his beak!"

"Oh no. He didn't starve," Bruce stated, in a dejected voice. "I'm pretty sure he was dead before I got his head outa the vise

 

[tinplas]

 

[tinplas]