Today's Joke Thread
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"You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said: 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my house key away, and throw me out. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.
'""Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said that?
""Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."
'""Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said that?
""Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."
One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked.
"No, sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked.
"No, sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”
Aggie lumberjack routinely fells 17 trees a day. Hears about new-fangled tool, the chain saw & buys one after salesman says he'll be able to fell 143 trees per day. Back at work, Aggie fells only 12 trees on 1st outing but improves every day. After 7 consecutive work days & only up to 23 t/d, he returns saw claiming it's defective. Salesman oils/gases it up right there in the store. Fires it up but before he can declare that the saw is ok, the Aggie screams "WHAT'S THAT AWFUL NOISE?"
How about snowflakes?
When You're Over 70, Who cares!
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last nightand saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last nightand saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
"I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TRACTOR SUPPLY..
Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog's food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Tractor Supply.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say."
Anon ...
Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog's food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Tractor Supply.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say."
Anon ...
Aggie on the way back to C. Station after the weekend, doesn't have enough $ for the bus ticket, so he tickets as far as he can - to Crockett. Wanting to make enough $ for the rest of the bus trip, he goes up to a farmers house & asks for the opportunity to make a few bucks. Farmer was just about to leave to go to town & tells the Aggie, here's some green latex paint. You paint that porch at back of the house while I'm gone & I'll pay you when I get back. Farmer leaves. Aggie goes to work.
Farmer returns just as the bus appears in the distance, so Aggie hurriedly collects his pay and runs for the highway to catch the bus. As he's leaving he shouts to the farmer "By the way, that's not a Porsche back there, it's a Ferrari!".
Farmer returns just as the bus appears in the distance, so Aggie hurriedly collects his pay and runs for the highway to catch the bus. As he's leaving he shouts to the farmer "By the way, that's not a Porsche back there, it's a Ferrari!".
Seriously, only here in Hot Springs, Arkansas. You will not believe what I witnessed today! I drove up to the gas station to get some gas. As I was walking into the store, I noticed a cop parked on the other side of the station heading out, he was watching this guy ahead of me who was smoking a cigarette while pumping his gas.
I know, what a complete idiot. Anyway, I go inside & as the cashier gives me my change I hear someone screaming. I look out the window and see this guys arm is on fire. He was swinging his arm and running around like a crazy man. I hurried outside and saw the cop had the man on the ground and was putting the fire out with his water bottle. Then he proceeded to handcuff him and put him in the back of his car.
I thought to myself, "How stupid are you to smoke while pumping gas ?!?!". Did he really think nothing was going happen?!?! Being the nosey person I am, I asked the cop what he was charging him with.
He looked me dead in the face, and said, "waving a firearm!"
I know, what a complete idiot. Anyway, I go inside & as the cashier gives me my change I hear someone screaming. I look out the window and see this guys arm is on fire. He was swinging his arm and running around like a crazy man. I hurried outside and saw the cop had the man on the ground and was putting the fire out with his water bottle. Then he proceeded to handcuff him and put him in the back of his car.
I thought to myself, "How stupid are you to smoke while pumping gas ?!?!". Did he really think nothing was going happen?!?! Being the nosey person I am, I asked the cop what he was charging him with.
He looked me dead in the face, and said, "waving a firearm!"
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