Join TexasGunTalk

Today's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Rants and Raves' started by Charlie, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

    1,225
    3,617
    113
    Nov 26, 2014
    Erath County
    Ear Infection ��



    They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said..

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter..
     


  2. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

    1,225
    3,617
    113
    Nov 26, 2014
    Erath County
    A Little Old Lady Was Walking Down The Street…
    She was dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

    Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

    "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."

    "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

    "Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off — kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

    "So, now I stand behind the fence by the knothole, really quietly with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

    "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "Alright. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

    "Well," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays...."
     
  3. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

    1,225
    3,617
    113
    Nov 26, 2014
    Erath County
    A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

    “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

    Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

    The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

    About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”
     
    AZ Refugee and Big Green like this.
  4. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

    1,225
    3,617
    113
    Nov 26, 2014
    Erath County
    The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?"
    "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."
     
    Big Green likes this.
  5. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

    1,225
    3,617
    113
    Nov 26, 2014
    Erath County
    Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
    Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
    Patient: No, just spots.
     
    Charlie likes this.
  6. Bozz10mm

    Bozz10mm TGT Addict TGT Supporter

    5,690
    2,382
    113
    Oct 5, 2013
    Georgetown
    Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF THE DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

    He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

    "Yep, that's him," he replied.

    The man couldn't help but be amused. "He certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

    "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
     
  7. Bozz10mm

    Bozz10mm TGT Addict TGT Supporter

    5,690
    2,382
    113
    Oct 5, 2013
    Georgetown
    The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.
    This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
    So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
    I began coughing, which only caused the dang collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the darn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
    I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
    Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
    1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
    2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
    On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!

    I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good laugh so feel free to do the same. HAHA. Hope you had a good laugh too. I sure did.
     
    Dancing Heretik, Dad_Roman and BRD@66 like this.
  8. Ozzman

    Ozzman Active Member

    395
    251
    63
    Aug 17, 2015
    El Paso, Texas
    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?




    A Carrot...
     
    Bozz10mm likes this.
  9. pronstar

    pronstar TGT Addict TGT Supporter

    4,009
    7,609
    113
    Jul 2, 2017
    Dallas
    A Chinese man that just moved to the United States goes to a bank to exchange his yuan for US dollars. He gives the teller 100 yuan and the teller exchanges it for $100. He thanks the teller and leaves.

    A week later, the Chinese man returns to the bank with another 100 yuan to exchange. This time the teller only gives him $90.

    The man asks why he got less than last week and the teller replies "Oh, market changes and, you know, fluctuations."

    Clearly offended, the man gets red in the face and yells "Oh yeah?! Well FLUCK YOU AMERICANS TOO!"


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
     
  10. Bozz10mm

    Bozz10mm TGT Addict TGT Supporter

    5,690
    2,382
    113
    Oct 5, 2013
    Georgetown
    Took me a minute, lol.
     


    Dad_Roman, pronstar and Whistler like this.

Share This Page