X2. Summer before my freshman year. All of the other guys were happy to get their restricted motorcycle license (under 5 HP). And I could drive anything on the road, if someone were dumb enough to let me. Think 18 wheeler, no commercial license back then.
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X2. Summer before my freshman year. All of the other guys were happy to get their restricted motorcycle license (under 5 HP). And I could drive anything on the road, if someone were dumb enough to let me. Think 18 wheeler, no commercial license back then.
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
And That's How The Fight Started With My Wife (and Husband)
I went out for a few drinks with my wife to our local bar. We were enjoying a few drinks when I noticed that she kept on looking at a drunken man who was smashing back drinks all by himself in the corner of the room.
I asked her, "Do you know that man?"
"Yes", she said sadly,
"He is my old flame who I dated in high school, I heard that he hit the bottle hard immediately after we broke up years ago, and he hasn't been a sober man since."
"Oh my gosh!" I replied, "Who would think a person could continue celebrating for so long?"
And that's how the fight started...
I went out for a few drinks with my wife to our local bar. We were enjoying a few drinks when I noticed that she kept on looking at a drunken man who was smashing back drinks all by himself in the corner of the room.
I asked her, "Do you know that man?"
"Yes", she said sadly,
"He is my old flame who I dated in high school, I heard that he hit the bottle hard immediately after we broke up years ago, and he hasn't been a sober man since."
"Oh my gosh!" I replied, "Who would think a person could continue celebrating for so long?"
And that's how the fight started...
We were on Okinawa when I was 14. Just turned 15 when we got back stateside and stopped in Phoenix. Where I had a bad wreck on a street bike riding it off road in the desert. 6 months before my led healed enough to get back on one. Mom hated them and I didn't have another until I was 18 and she had no say so. Sort of.
That's when the real fight started......
Sent by an idjit coffeeholic from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
On Saturday I took the wife out for a few drinks.
I pointed over at another couple night sitting at a table and said to my wife, "do you see that couple over there? She gives him a kiss every few minutes. Why don't you do that?"
She replied, "That sounds great, but I don't even know him."
And that's when the fight started.
I pointed over at another couple night sitting at a table and said to my wife, "do you see that couple over there? She gives him a kiss every few minutes. Why don't you do that?"
She replied, "That sounds great, but I don't even know him."
And that's when the fight started.
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to Hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the Devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, Trump gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When finished, the Devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the Devil why Trump got to call the USA so cheaply. The Devil smiles and replies,
"Since Biden took over, the country’s gone to hell, so it's a local call.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the Devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, Trump gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When finished, the Devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the Devil why Trump got to call the USA so cheaply. The Devil smiles and replies,
"Since Biden took over, the country’s gone to hell, so it's a local call.
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.
She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”
She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”
Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.
She played while I worked my tail off!”
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Republican party.”
Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.
She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”
She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”
Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.
She played while I worked my tail off!”
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Republican party.”
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
A mechanic dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The mechanic is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there ?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this mechanic is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got a mechanic? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all mechanics go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having a mechanic on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer ?
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there ?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this mechanic is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got a mechanic? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all mechanics go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having a mechanic on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer ?
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
It was pouring rain but Sean decided to walk to the pub for a pint.
In the street outside the pub he found Old Paddy fishing in a large puddle of rain.
Soaking wet and shivering from the cold, Sean felt sorry for the old man and offered to buy him a pint.
The two went into the pub and Sean ordered two pints, one for himself and the other for Old Paddy.
Sean left the old man at the bar and joined his friends. Soon, he had finished his beer and was about to leave when he saw the Old man at the bar.
Seeing him there with his silly fishing rod he couldn't help asking the Old man, "So, how is the fishing?"
Old Paddy looked up from his pint and said, "You're the third one today!"
In the street outside the pub he found Old Paddy fishing in a large puddle of rain.
Soaking wet and shivering from the cold, Sean felt sorry for the old man and offered to buy him a pint.
The two went into the pub and Sean ordered two pints, one for himself and the other for Old Paddy.
Sean left the old man at the bar and joined his friends. Soon, he had finished his beer and was about to leave when he saw the Old man at the bar.
Seeing him there with his silly fishing rod he couldn't help asking the Old man, "So, how is the fishing?"
Old Paddy looked up from his pint and said, "You're the third one today!"
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
One I saw elsewhere.
Two Arabs get on a plane leaving Chicago. One sits in Seat 18A, the window, the other sits in the middle seat next to him.
A Marine gets on and takes 18 C, the aisle seat. He takes off his shoes and settles in for the flight.
After the takeoff, the guy in seat A says, "Excuse me, I need to get out and get a Coke".
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'm on the aisle, I'll be glad to get you one".
As soon as he headed up the aisle toward the galley, the Arab picked up his shoe and spit in it.
The Marine came back, gave him his Coke, the Arab smiled and thanked him.
The Marine had not quite settled in when the other Arab said, "You know, I'd like a Coke too".
"No problem" said the Marine, and jumped up. As before, this Arab immediately spit in his shoe.
The Marine came back, got comfortable and nodded off for the rest of the flight.
When the waitress announced time to land, he sat up, slipped his feet into his shoes and immediately knew what had happened.
He turned to his seatmates. "Why?" he asked. "How long does this have to go on between our peoples? This senseless cycle of hate and distrust. This endless aggression and retaliation. This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes".
Two Arabs get on a plane leaving Chicago. One sits in Seat 18A, the window, the other sits in the middle seat next to him.
A Marine gets on and takes 18 C, the aisle seat. He takes off his shoes and settles in for the flight.
After the takeoff, the guy in seat A says, "Excuse me, I need to get out and get a Coke".
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'm on the aisle, I'll be glad to get you one".
As soon as he headed up the aisle toward the galley, the Arab picked up his shoe and spit in it.
The Marine came back, gave him his Coke, the Arab smiled and thanked him.
The Marine had not quite settled in when the other Arab said, "You know, I'd like a Coke too".
"No problem" said the Marine, and jumped up. As before, this Arab immediately spit in his shoe.
The Marine came back, got comfortable and nodded off for the rest of the flight.
When the waitress announced time to land, he sat up, slipped his feet into his shoes and immediately knew what had happened.
He turned to his seatmates. "Why?" he asked. "How long does this have to go on between our peoples? This senseless cycle of hate and distrust. This endless aggression and retaliation. This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes".
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
FIVE PEOPLE BUT FOUR PARACHUTES
A plane has five passengers on board:
Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Nancy Pelosi, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.
Dr Fauci, said “I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
Pelosi said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only starting”.
The child replies, “Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack.”
A plane has five passengers on board:
Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Nancy Pelosi, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.
Dr Fauci, said “I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
Pelosi said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only starting”.
The child replies, “Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack.”
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
The wife was feeling a bit depressed the other day. So I decided to get a bit romantic with her, and stripped down to my birthday suit and cheer her up.
That was three days ago, and she hasn't stopped laughing!
That was three days ago, and she hasn't stopped laughing!
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
A Cowboy Named Bud............
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward
him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward
him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were
taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would Like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
"The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would Like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
"The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Axxe55
Retiretgtshit stirrer
Three dwarves are sitting in a bar getting progressively more drunk as the day goes on. The first dwarf says "I have the smallest hands in the world!" and the second dwarf says "No you don't. But I have the smallest feet in the world!" The third dwarf replies "You're both full of shit, but I have the smallest penis in the world!"
This goes on and on, and finally the bartender has had enough and says "That's it! I cant take any more! Either go up the street to the Guinness Book of World Records Headquarters and get this straightened out, or get the hell out and stay out!"
So the three leave to go to Guinness. A while later the first dwarf comes in and shouts "Drinks on me! I have the smallest hands in the world!". A few minutes later, the second dwarf comes in to the bar and yells "Drinks on me, fellas! Smallest feet in the world!" A while later the third dwarf comes back, walking slowly, head down and sits at the bar. The bartender asks "So? How'd it go?" The dwarf says "Don't ask. But if I ever run into this Joe Biden guy, I'm gonna kick his ass!"
This goes on and on, and finally the bartender has had enough and says "That's it! I cant take any more! Either go up the street to the Guinness Book of World Records Headquarters and get this straightened out, or get the hell out and stay out!"
So the three leave to go to Guinness. A while later the first dwarf comes in and shouts "Drinks on me! I have the smallest hands in the world!". A few minutes later, the second dwarf comes in to the bar and yells "Drinks on me, fellas! Smallest feet in the world!" A while later the third dwarf comes back, walking slowly, head down and sits at the bar. The bartender asks "So? How'd it go?" The dwarf says "Don't ask. But if I ever run into this Joe Biden guy, I'm gonna kick his ass!"
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