Facebook and teens: prefer parents but all welcome

[Texan2]

"Trust, but verify."
-Ronald Reagan

 

[M. Sage]

I'm a retired teacher and I supervised teenagers for 22 years in computer labs. Teens can not decide "how much" is appropriate. That ranges from driving speed, computer use, language, money..........whatever. They don't have the life experience to decide those things for themselves so you, as the parent, must do it for them.

For over two decades, I saw the "good" kids-cheerleaders, FB players, and academics pull scams on their parents because they were trusted and the parents assumed that they would do the right thing. That's horseshxt. Check, verify, recheck and investigate. They'll hate that but as long as they live under your roof, that is your job. Their lives depend on it and if they survive, they will become exactly that type of parent themselves. They will swear they won't....but they will parent with a strong hand. It may be 20 years later, but they will one day admit that you were right.

Flash

Oh, I remember my time as a teenager. Just the same, one of the ways they need to learn to handle responsibility is to be given some. If they can't handle it, take it away or just don't give it to them. (I expect one of you to post the preceding sentence in the out of context thread.)

I really think that you can be a good parent without crossing that line into "overbearing".

Again, I'm not a parent, but I do pay attention...

 

[Mexican_Hippie]

"Trust, but verify."
-Ronald Reagan

These were the exact words I was thinking.

"Good kids" make "dumb mistakes" all the time.

 

[ZX9RCAM]

There is a TV commercial running now by either Toyota or Nissan (can't remember which), anyway it involves a girl that just moved out of the house & she is concerned for her parents well being, as SHE has hundreds of friends on Facebook & her Parents only have like 19.
She is assuming they are pining away for her (due to lack of FB friends) when in reality they are shown as going out dancing, bike riding & living life while she just sits at her laptop......gotta see it to be funny.


ETA: I do not have a FB account.

 

[espy59lc]

Let me just say this...I'm 23, my mom is 41, she is friends on my FB with me, and still gives me shit about stuff she reads on there from friends or if I've been out drinking more than once a week! haha

But she is also in Ohio!

No one on here has shown signs of this, but removed from my teens not too long ago, just don't shelter your kids. Trust me, they know A LOT more about certain stuff than you'd like to know! (Ex. Sex, drugs)

Personally the best kinds of parents are ones that are just down to earth and let their kids know that, and that their kids can talk to them about ANYTHING without being afraid of the punishment. If the child can trust you to not fly off the handle because they tried a cigarette, or a pinch of skoal, or sipped some beer, you will have an awesome relationship with your kid. If they do something wrong, its better to not ground them from every electronic device, but rather just talk to them about their decision and convey to them why they shouldn't make the same mistake again.

 

[Vaquero]

Let me just say this...I'm 23, my mom is 41, she is friends on my FB with me, and still gives me shit about stuff she reads on there from friends or if I've been out drinking more than once a week! haha

But she is also in Ohio!

No one on here has shown signs of this, but removed from my teens not too long ago, just don't shelter your kids. Trust me, they know A LOT more about certain stuff than you'd like to know! (Ex. Sex, drugs)

Personally the best kinds of parents are ones that are just down to earth and let their kids know that, and that their kids can talk to them about ANYTHING without being afraid of the punishment. If the child can trust you to not fly off the handle because they tried a cigarette, or a pinch of skoal, or sipped some beer, you will have an awesome relationship with your kid. If they do something wrong, its better to not ground them from every electronic device, but rather just talk to them about their decision and convey to them why they shouldn't make the same mistake again.

Remember that when you are a parent. Down to earth? Got my picture next to it in the dictionary! Problems with the kids? Oh hell yes. EVERYBODY is different. EVERYBODY! Know your children and let them know you, there aint much else you can do.

 

[txinvestigator]

Very interesting comments.

My daughter is 15 and has not given us a lick of trouble, but we require that I have her password and she knows I log in as her and peruse her stuff. Before she was allowed a page we talked about what was acceptable and not. We have had to have her delete some people who could not behave.

She is taking driver's ed, and many of her friends are starting to drive. We have rules about who, when and where she can get into a car with another teen. Using facebook and reading her private messages I learned that last Saturday she used poor judgment and got into a car with with several other teens and a teenage boy driving. She was attending a parent supervised birthday party for a friend at the friends home. We know her parents. Several kids decided to give one of the other teens a ride home, and since the supervising parent did not object, she got into the car with these kids, the driver a boy who, by her own written word, drives like a jackass.

I set her up when she got home from school, and she freely and readily admitted that she did so. She also admitted she knew we would not have approved, but she succummed to peer pressure. I trust my daughter, but as parents we MUST understand that they cannot always adequetly predict the potential consequences of their actions. The last thing on her mind was the the jackass driver would do something stupid and get them into a wreck. Thankfully, there was no wreck, but we don't want that police notification at midnight that our daughter was killed.

Yeah, I know, she could be killed in the car with me, too. But we know that teens have a MUCH higher traffic accident rate, and that danger increaes in the late hours. Add the distraction of a bunch of other teens in the car and you have a dangerous combination.

My daughter knew she screwed up, admitted that she didn't think about the possible consequences, and apologized for letting us down. Her mother and I learned that now, since these kids are all getting into driving age, that we have to make OUR rules known to parents who chaperone.

Facebook allowed me to learn about this, but if I was just "friends" with her I would not know.

 

[F350-6]

Interested in your thoughts and opinions.

Thoughts? Facebook and teens are both a pain in the a$$.

... I saw the "good" kids-cheerleaders, FB players, and academics pull scams on their parents because they were trusted and the parents assumed that they would do the right thing. That's horseshxt. Check, verify, recheck and investigate. They'll hate that but as long as they live under your roof, that is your job. Their lives depend on it and if they survive, they will become exactly that type of parent themselves. They will swear they won't....but they will parent with a strong hand. It may be 20 years later, but they will one day admit that you were right.

Flash

Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner. Your job is to raise them, not to be their friend. If you have a daughter, there is no such thing as "he's a good boy". he's just after one thing and there's no use pretending he's not. There's also no reason to try and be polite or friendly to your little girls boyfriends. They have their role, you have yours. Why pretend it's any different?

Let me just say this...I'm 23, my mom is 41, she is friends on my FB with me, and still gives me shit about stuff she reads on there from friends or if I've been out drinking more than once a week! haha

But she is also in Ohio!

No one on here has shown signs of this, but removed from my teens not too long ago, just don't shelter your kids. Trust me, they know A LOT more about certain stuff than you'd like to know! (Ex. Sex, drugs)

Please do me a favor and print your quote out and save it. I'll let you in on a little secret. One day when you get really, really old and have kids that become teenagers, you'll still remember everything you do now about high school. Then you get to worry that your kids will try and pull the same stuff you did, or heard about when you were that age.

I've never understood why kids assume their parents are really that clueless.

Very interesting comments.

My daughter is 15 and has not given us a lick of trouble....

I feel for you. I've been down that road, and thank God, come out successfully on the other side. It was Yahoo chat, and later Myspace back then, but the principles are still the same. And I don't think it only pertains to Facebook. Your little angel / pain in the but is going to make some wrong decisions, do things she knows is wrong and will piss you off, and basically be stupid and also test the boundaries like every other kid.

Yes I believe you should monitor facebook, check the cell phone records to make sure she's not up all night texting / calling her friends, enforce a curfew, verify where she is going and that she went there, be a royal pain in her behind and make her hate you, but do your best to communicate with her and teach her right from wrong, not just lecture or scream at her.

You're entering the home stretch now and it's time she gets treated as both a child and an adult. It's also your last chance to teach her all of life's lessons. And FYI, she'll grow up before you've finished teaching her what you think she needs to know.

 

[txinvestigator]

Thoughts? Facebook and teens are both a pain in the a$$.



Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner. Your job is to raise them, not to be their friend. If you have a daughter, there is no such thing as "he's a good boy". he's just after one thing and there's no use pretending he's not. There's also no reason to try and be polite or friendly to your little girls boyfriends. They have their role, you have yours. Why pretend it's any different?







Please do me a favor and print your quote out and save it. I'll let you in on a little secret. One day when you get really, really old and have kids that become teenagers, you'll still remember everything you do now about high school. Then you get to worry that your kids will try and pull the same stuff you did, or heard about when you were that age.

I've never understood why kids assume their parents are really that clueless.





I feel for you. I've been down that road, and thank God, come out successfully on the other side. It was Yahoo chat, and later Myspace back then, but the principles are still the same. And I don't think it only pertains to Facebook. Your little angel / pain in the but is going to make some wrong decisions, do things she knows is wrong and will piss you off, and basically be stupid and also test the boundaries like every other kid.

Yes I believe you should monitor facebook, check the cell phone records to make sure she's not up all night texting / calling her friends, enforce a curfew, verify where she is going and that she went there, be a royal pain in her behind and make her hate you, but do your best to communicate with her and teach her right from wrong, not just lecture or scream at her.

You're entering the home stretch now and it's time she gets treated as both a child and an adult. It's also your last chance to teach her all of life's lessons. And FYI, she'll grow up before you've finished teaching her what you think she needs to know.

It is funny, but we do all of that and more. You cannot wait until they are teens and then start enforcing rules and trying to instill values and teach decision making. We have done that since day one. Even when we do all those things, checking emails, cell records, facebook, being sure she is where she is supposed to be, that parents are aware of plans, etc., she never gets mad. You can tell it sometimes puts her off, but I think she gets it.

Wasn't it Reagan who said, "trust but verify"?

 

[M. Sage]

There is a TV commercial running now by either Toyota or Nissan (can't remember which), anyway it involves a girl that just moved out of the house & she is concerned for her parents well being, as SHE has hundreds of friends on Facebook & her Parents only have like 19.
She is assuming they are pining away for her (due to lack of FB friends) when in reality they are shown as going out dancing, bike riding & living life while she just sits at her laptop......gotta see it to be funny.

Yo, send it to me on Facebook, would ya?

ETA: I do not have a FB account.

Never mind...

Let me just say this...I'm 23, my mom is 41, she is friends on my FB with me, and still gives me shit about stuff she reads on there from friends or if I've been out drinking more than once a week! haha

But she is also in Ohio!

No one on here has shown signs of this, but removed from my teens not too long ago, just don't shelter your kids. Trust me, they know A LOT more about certain stuff than you'd like to know! (Ex. Sex, drugs)

Personally the best kinds of parents are ones that are just down to earth and let their kids know that, and that their kids can talk to them about ANYTHING without being afraid of the punishment. If the child can trust you to not fly off the handle because they tried a cigarette, or a pinch of skoal, or sipped some beer, you will have an awesome relationship with your kid. If they do something wrong, its better to not ground them from every electronic device, but rather just talk to them about their decision and convey to them why they shouldn't make the same mistake again.

You're a little bit too far the other direction. No, you can't be a complete tyrant, but you can't be a parent by being your kids' friend, either.

You can be their friend after they're adults. Until then, you have to be their parent, which means guiding their actions and working to shape their personality. It's your job to get them ready for the real world by instilling self-control and a moral compass. If you don't, you're doing a bigger disservice to both them AND society than I can even put into words.

 

[ROGER4314]

Don't get me wrong, teenagers aren't bad people. At that point in their lives, they are trying to figure out exactly who they are and they're trying out new tools to function in life. They discover lying and find it to be a useful tool in getting what they want. Later, they may realize the lying has very negative consequences and throttle back on the fibbing.

How did I, as a teacher, find out that the really "good" kids were scamming their parents? They brag about it before and after class and old "big ears" Flash overheard it. They actually share the fact and brag that they pulled one over on their folks because they were trusted and left to make their own decisions! When one kid is successful, he/she gets the others to try it. I heard that crap for 22 years. It's almost universal behavior and as a parent, you should know that! Scamming you is just a phase and most grow out of it. Some don't survive to that point. Hopefully, your kids will.

OK....I've warned you. What are you going to do about it?

(HINT) CHECK, VERIFY, RECHECK, INVESTIGATE. NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN AS LONG AS THEY LIVE UNDER YOUR ROOF! LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU'RE DOING IT AND IGNORE THEIR PROTESTS. THEY WILL HATE THAT BUT YOUR GOAL IS TO HELP THEM TO SURVIVE.............NOT TO MAKE THEM HAPPY!

Flash

 

[ZX9RCAM]

Yo, send it to me on Facebook, would ya?

Here it is.......

2011 Toyota Venza Commercial - Social Network - YouTube

 

[Mexican_Hippie]

Here it is.......

2011 Toyota Venza Commercial - Social Network - YouTube

 

[Greg_TX]

The biggest issue I have with my oldest daughter being on Facebook is that she'll be messing around with that instead of doing her homework. So, I block it at the router until she shows me her finished work. At first I was a control freak: keyloggers, screen capture programs, logging into her FB and email (thanks to the keylogger, she had no idea I had her account info and that of every friend that used her PC), the whole nine yards. But after a year of that I figured that 1) she was behaving herself pretty well, and 2) I already knew everyone she was interacting with. I stopped after a while, figuring that there has to be some level of trust (but verify) and that being overbearing will just make her better at covering her tracks. Besides, I can control what happens in my home, but not other people's houses, or school, or the library, or a friend's smartphone... you get the idea. Her and I get along really well and talk a lot, so I finally decided that an honest relationship with my kids was better (and easier) then snooping.

 

[txinvestigator]

You can be honest AND snoop. You simply tell them you will snoop.

 

[Dawico]

You can be honest AND snoop. You simply tell them you will snoop.

I am not on FB, but my wife keeps tabs on what is happening there. My kids know she looks, and she is very good at communicating with our children about what happens on there. We let our children figure out the little problems life brings, but we interject when we foresee a big problem coming. Luckily this hasn't happened very often.

We can only give our children the tools for life, it is up to them to use them.

 

[txinvestigator]

I am not on FB, but my wife keeps tabs on what is happening there. My kids know she looks, and she is very good at communicating with our children about what happens on there. We let our children figure out the little problems life brings, but we interject when we foresee a big problem coming. Luckily this hasn't happened very often.

Be sure your wife has her log in and actually signs in as your daughter. Otherwise, by just being her Facebook friend and viewing your daughter profile page you will only know about 1/10 of it. Teens seem to tell each other everything.

We can only give our children the tools for life, it is up to them to use them.

Agreed. But that does not stop, ever.

 

[Greg_TX]

Be sure your wife has her log in and actually signs in as your daughter. Otherwise, by just being her Facebook friend and viewing your daughter profile page you will only know about 1/10 of it. Teens seem to tell each other everything.

I've found that most of the interesting things are communicated through instant messaging and not so much what's posted on the page.

 

[txinvestigator]

I've found that most of the interesting things are communicated through instant messaging and not so much what's posted on the page.

Oh yeah.

I'll tell ya'll something else. I have notified parent's of other kids things I have seen their kids do. I want to know.

 

[Mexican_Hippie]

Oh yeah.

I'll tell ya'll something else. I have notified parent's of other kids things I have seen their kids do. I want to know.

I'd want to know too.

Fair warning though: Some parents are put off that you're "complaining" about their kids when you're really trying to help them.

The most powerful force for good in my early adulthood was my grandfather's respect. He led by example and was the best man I've ever met in my life, hands down. I could give a ton of examples of great things he did, and still can't think of one where he didn't go above and beyond to do the right thing. I'm sure he had faults, but I had the utmost respect for him. I would literally stop and think about what he would think of me if I got caught doing what I was about to do. Point being: more important than any of these precautions is leading by example. You can't be there 24-7.