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Today's Joke Thread

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  • Axxe55

    Retiretgtshit stirrer
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    Dec 15, 2019
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    Lost in East Texas Elhart Texas
    Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
     

    BigTexasOne

    Support gun control! Hit what you aim at!
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    Apr 27, 2016
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    Springtown
    Todays joke....
    joe-biden1-1-11.jpg
     

    BRD@66

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    Wow! I received this 20 years ago & it's relevant again.
    Subject: Aggie recount....
    Thu, 16 Nov 2000 08:27:52 -0600
    College Station, TX (AP)

    R.C. Slocum and the Texas A&M Aggies are demanding a recount of the game in which Oklahoma won 35 to 31. "The end zones were confusing," says Slocum.
    "I'm sure that some of the touchdowns that went in Oklahoma's end zone were meant to go into ours. I mean, we were scoring in those end zones also. Oklahoma would never have scored thirty five points. There's no way we lost this one. A&M demands a recount."
    Oklahoma officials are calling this "outrageous". "They agreed to the size, shape and locations of the end zones prior to kick-off," replies OU coach Bob Stoops. "If they had a problem with them, they should have said so before we started. You don't get to keep playing until you're happy with the outcome. Someone had to lose. We've scored over thirty-five points many times."
    A&M has sent lawyers, farmers, those guys in the funny boots as well as the dog down to Kyle Field, where the scoreboard will be tested. "We are confident that when the points are re-totaled, we will be the winner of the game," says Slocum.
    OU also points out that in many games prior to this one, the same end zones were used. "They didn't have a problem with the end zones until they lost," says Stoops.
    Outside of Kyle Field, A&M student protesters have gathered bearing signs such as, "A&M wants a fair game! WHOOOOOOP!". Students' thoughts echoed their signs. "All we want is a fair total of the points before we declare a winner," says student Karen Hays, an Aggie from Marfa. "We need to proceed cautiously and not rush to judgment before we declare a winner."
    ABC, around 2:00pm central time, had mistakenly declared A&M the winner, despite the slim 3 point lead the Aggies held at that point. At about 2:30pm, with the game still to close to call, ABC had to back off its prediction. College Football analyst Brent Musburger made the call. "We felt that with a number of points still not added in by Jamaar Tombs and the Aggies, we were certain A&M would carry this game. We may have been premature in our prediction."
     

    BRD@66

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    R-rated jokes with G-rated punchlines - ala Laugh-in. Do an internet search if you're interested in reading the entire joke.
    I don't know. I fell off the perch.
    Yeah, I know them Ritis boys & that Arthur - he's the worst one of the bunch.
    Well if it's so long before you get results, why did you get in such a hurry there at the last?
    Penguin replies to mechanic: "No that's just a little ice cream."
    Yes! But tonight's the night!
    No deer. Run to fast, jump too high.
    'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
    Well, I don't know about the other guys but I just use the spoon.
    No hurry ladies! The ship doesn't leave until tomorrow.
    Two more:
    $20 - the same as in town.
    Supplies! (R rated for Racism).
     

    BRD@66

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    Off to England


    Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar
    stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined
    at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft
    please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
    conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
    rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

    Jim nods. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the
    history, the culture, and especially the beer"

    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
    Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English
    people, they're so arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

    John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive."
     

    BRD@66

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    Seen recently on a neighborhood web site:
    Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
     

    Texan-in-Training

    Well-Known
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    Jul 8, 2012
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    Rockdale, Texas
    Bruce lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines. Bruce drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and rolled down the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

    Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Bruce from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery. This is to be expected from a California Democrat.
     

    G O B

    School of Hard Knocks and Sharp blows
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    Dec 9, 2017
    1,101
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    Hays Co.
    The wife has a new car, it has a POWERFUL radio. So powerful it gets stations from 5 years in the future! Really, just today I heard a commercial: "If YOU received a vaccination for Covid-19 from 2020 until 2022, you MAY be entitled to compensation! Contact the Law Offices of Dewey, Bilkum and Howe"
     

    Dinoble1

    Well-Known
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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Southeast FL
    UP
    Read until the end ... you'll laugh.


    This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].


    It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

    At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.


    At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.


    To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.


    And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

    We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UPat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!


    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.


    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap itUP, for now . . . my time is UP!


    Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?


    U

    P !


    Did that one crack you UP?



    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

    satx78247

    Member, Emeritus
    Emeritus - "Texas Proud"
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    Jun 23, 2014
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    78208
    "GOOD 'OLE Joe-Bob" got stopped for DWI by the THP late one evening after a "long wet night" at a beer joint.

    The Trooper said, "I guess you're so drunk that you didn't even notice that your wife jumped or fell out of the truck, a few blocks back??"

    Joe-Bob responded, "Well that's GOOD. - I thought that I'd gone deaf."

    yours, satx
     

    BRD@66

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    Three retired gents, two from California and one from Arizona, are walking down a street in the historic part of Old Phoenix. They turn a corner and see a sign that says..... "The Old Timer's Bar ... ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

    They look at each other in disbelief & enter the bar.
    The bartender says, in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you guys. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

    There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 3 men each asked for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 3 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

    They can't believe their good luck. Each guy pays his 10 cents...they finish their martinis, and order another round.
    Again, three excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 30 cents, please."

    They pay the 30 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
    Well, here's my story: I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $525 million dollars and I decided to open this place. It's just a hobby for me. Every drink costs a dime... wine, liquor, beer; it's all the same."

    "Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

    The three of them sip at their martinis but can't help but notice three other guys who have been sitting at the other end of the bar, who don't have a drink in front of them ... and they haven't ordered anything.

    One man gestures toward the three guys at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "What's with those guys?"

    "They're farmers from Texas. They're waiting for Happy Hour."
     

    BRD@66

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    better late than never:
    The Parrot
    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
    HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
     

    BRD@66

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    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
    throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing
    that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are Ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are--- I never heard of circle flies."
    So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to
    writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing,"
    and goes back to writing the ticket.
    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
     
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