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Today's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Rants and Raves' started by Charlie, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    A wife was standing in the kitchen one morning, preparing
    soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt
    she slept in. As her husband walked in, she turned to him and said:

    "You've got to make love to me right now, here, across the kitchen table."

    His eyes lit up. He could hardly believe his luck, and before she
    could change her mind, he made love to her on the kitchen table.
    Afterwards, she hurriedly thanked him and returned to the
    stove, with her T-shirt still around her neck.

    Happy, but puzzled, he asked her:

    "What was all that about?"

    "Oh," she said. "The egg timer is broken."
     


  2. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    An American Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
    He says to the waiter "Want Coffee"
    The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."He hands the Indian a tall mug of coffee........
    The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shot gun causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
    The next morning the Indian returns.He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want Coffee"
    The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was that all about anyway?
    The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in the United States Congress. Come in, Drink coffee, Shoot the bull, Leave mess for others to clean up and disappear for the rest of the day".
     
  3. Dawico

    Dawico Uncoiled Lifetime Member

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    An old man buys a new Corvette. He's running down the highway doing 80.

    A State Trooper pulls behind him and turns his lights on.

    The old man says screw it and speeds up to 100. Trooper is still right behind him.

    Up to 120. Trooper still right there.

    The old man hits 140 but decides that's enough and pulls over as the Trooper is still on his tail.

    The Trooper says "Sir, it's Friday afternoon and I don't want to deal with all the paperwork of hauling you in and impounding your car. If you can give me an original reason for speeding like that I will let you go."

    Old man says "20 years ago my wife left me for a State Trooper. I thought you might be bringing her back."

    "Have a good weekend sir and keep it down a bit."
     
  4. satx78247

    satx78247 TGT Addict

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    Geri,

    Surely you've heard that "a house is not a home" until the married couple have had at least one "Great American Quickie" in every available space.
    (CHUCKLE)

    yours, satx
     
    Just Geri likes this.
  5. satx78247

    satx78247 TGT Addict

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    To All,

    According to a recent poll of 10,000 residents of Chicago, 86% have "enjoyed sexual acts in the shower".
    The other 14% haven't been in prison, yet.

    yours, satx
     
  6. MetalCutter

    MetalCutter Life is too short for cheap cigars! TGT Supporter

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    aaa-swish.jpg
     
    Bozz10mm, TxStetson, F350-6 and 3 others like this.
  7. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

    Sure enough I passed a police road block but beings as though it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
     
    Dad_Roman, Dawico, F350-6 and 6 others like this.
  8. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    Bottle of Wine

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers .

    The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

    Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

    The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man
    .
    The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

    The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

    The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


    MORAL OF THE STORY:
    Women are clever, evil people. Don't mess with them!
     
    G O B, Big Green, TxStetson and 2 others like this.
  9. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    I'm a bit older than most of you. I enlisted in the Air Force shortly after "Ike's" re-election while the Cold War was in full swing, and the previous conflicts had NOT been forgotten at all. I had been promoted to A/2c (two stripes, then) and was a flight-leader in Tech School at Scott AFB, Illinois.

    A bunch of us used to go clubbing and drinking around central Illinois and around St. Louis on weekends and so several of us were in the latrine of this one bar in Cahokia when an obviously honored and decorated Army guy came in and stood in front of the urinal, his arms hanging limply at his sides. He had four rows of medals on his blouse, stripes from his elbow to his shoulder, and hash-marks up his cuff beyond count. There was a new, very young A/3c from my flight standing next to him and this veteran mildly asked this young fellow, "Say, son. Could you do an old soldier a great favor?"

    The Airman confidently said, "Sure, Sarge. Name it."

    The Sergeant said, "Could you pleas unzip my fly and hang my weapon out over the urinal for me".

    The young airman looked kind of puzzled, but he figured maybe the Sergeant had war wounds that rendered his hands unusable, so he did exactly that.

    The Sergeant relieved himself, and said to the Airman, "And could you please shake it off and put it back inside and zip me up?" to which the Airman complied.

    As the Sergeant turned to the sinks, the young Airman asked, in his soft southern drawl, "Ko-rea?"

    The Sergeant turned on the tap to wash his hands and replied, "No. Gon-o-rhea, and I'm afraid to touch the damned thing, myself".
     
  10. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, including tutors, mentors, flash cards, and special learning centers. In short, they tried everything they could think of to help his math skills improve, but to no avail.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

    His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was finished eating, he marched right back up to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

    This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at the report card and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity, so she went up to his room and said, "Son, what was it that helped you? Was it the nuns?"

    Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..

    "Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
    Little Zachary looked at her and in all seriousness said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
     


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