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Today's Joke Thread
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A Houston grandfather, was visiting his granddaughter in Central Texas and was
spending the afternoon watching his granddaughter out playing in the garden.
He smiled reflecting on how sweet and pure his little girl looked exploring the wonders of the garden.
It felt good to be there to watch her looking at the beauty of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her grandfather replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
He couldn’t help smiling at hearing such a cute and innocent question?
No he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are ‘Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then she lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat.
“Well", she said, "that may be OK to do in Houston but we're not having any of that shit here in Central Texas ”.
spending the afternoon watching his granddaughter out playing in the garden.
He smiled reflecting on how sweet and pure his little girl looked exploring the wonders of the garden.
It felt good to be there to watch her looking at the beauty of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her grandfather replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
He couldn’t help smiling at hearing such a cute and innocent question?
No he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are ‘Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then she lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat.
“Well", she said, "that may be OK to do in Houston but we're not having any of that shit here in Central Texas ”.
That one gave my wife a good laugh
Elsewhere on this board, I recently replied "Ahh, that's a sad story". It may've seemed trollish so I'll s'plain.
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg."
"Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!"
The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?"
"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!"
Again, the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly, there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?"
"Ah laddie, that is a sad story. One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"
The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"
"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg."
"Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!"
The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?"
"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!"
Again, the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly, there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?"
"Ah laddie, that is a sad story. One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"
The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"
"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"
A priest and a farmer were playing golf, the farmer tees off on the first but his mighty swing fails to connect with the ball.
“****! “ shouts the farmer
“Missed the bastard”
The priest is taken aback
“Don’t curse like that John or the Lord will smite you”
“Sorry father” says John.
But at the second hole he does the same wild swing as on the first, and he misses again
“****!” he cries
“Missed the bastard”
Now the priest is annoyed
“Stop swearing like that John” he says, “Or the Lord will most certainly smite you dead”
“Sorry father” says John
But at the third he makes all the same mistakes with his swing and misses yet again.
The clouds roll back. the heavens open and a lightening bold comes screaming down and strikes the priest, killing him instantly.
Out from heaven a deep voice cries
“****! Missed the bastard”
“****! “ shouts the farmer
“Missed the bastard”
The priest is taken aback
“Don’t curse like that John or the Lord will smite you”
“Sorry father” says John.
But at the second hole he does the same wild swing as on the first, and he misses again
“****!” he cries
“Missed the bastard”
Now the priest is annoyed
“Stop swearing like that John” he says, “Or the Lord will most certainly smite you dead”
“Sorry father” says John
But at the third he makes all the same mistakes with his swing and misses yet again.
The clouds roll back. the heavens open and a lightening bold comes screaming down and strikes the priest, killing him instantly.
Out from heaven a deep voice cries
“****! Missed the bastard”
Hey Joe (fake name) Here’s five dollars.
Okay . What for?
I‘ve been using your half and half creamer in the fridge.
No thanks. That’s okay. I spit in it every day for four days and have been drinking black.
True story. Low class Engineering Co. in SA.
Hint: Owner was shot by disgruntled employee for messing with the employee’s wife.
Okay . What for?
I‘ve been using your half and half creamer in the fridge.
No thanks. That’s okay. I spit in it every day for four days and have been drinking black.
True story. Low class Engineering Co. in SA.
Hint: Owner was shot by disgruntled employee for messing with the employee’s wife.
My mother and father were coming over for dinner. While I waited for them to arrive I was listening to local radio when the DJ announced there was trouble on the motorway, some clown was driving North in the South-bound lane. I texted my mother ( I knew she’d be sitting next to Dad ) to tell her to watch out because there was someone driving the wrong way on the motorway.
She replied
‘It’s not just one, there are dozens of them!
She replied
‘It’s not just one, there are dozens of them!
A man walks into a bar with his dog and both sit on a bar stool. The barman says that dogs aren’t allowed on the stools, to which the man replies that it’s ok, he’s a talking dog:
“OK, get him to talk then.”
“Spot, what’s on top of a house?” “Roof”
“What does sandpaper feel like?” “Ruff”
“Who’s the greatest baseball player ever?” “Ruth”
The barman says “your dog’s just barking - get him outta here”
As they’re walking out the door the dog looks up at his master and says “Should I have said DiMaggio?”
“OK, get him to talk then.”
“Spot, what’s on top of a house?” “Roof”
“What does sandpaper feel like?” “Ruff”
“Who’s the greatest baseball player ever?” “Ruth”
The barman says “your dog’s just barking - get him outta here”
As they’re walking out the door the dog looks up at his master and says “Should I have said DiMaggio?”
Thе following anecdote entered the dayli top rating on anecdot.ru in Russia.
@A lady from Texas testifies in court.
- Why did you shoot the robber six times?
- Because when I pulled the trigger the seventh time, my revolver did not fire.@
@A lady from Texas testifies in court.
- Why did you shoot the robber six times?
- Because when I pulled the trigger the seventh time, my revolver did not fire.@
What do Santa's female reindeer do on Christmas Eve?
They go into town to blow a few bucks.
They go into town to blow a few bucks.
An English man, an Irish man, and a German decide to get drunk on Christmas Eve.
On their way home they got in a car crash which resulted in every single one of them dying.
All three appear in front of the pealy gates and st. Peter approaches them “since it's Christmas Eve, I'll give you all a chance to enter heaven, if you have anything on you right now that resembles or symbolizes Christmas then you can enter”
The English man pulls out a lighter and lights it “it's a candle" st. Peter lets him through.
The German puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a bunch of keys and shakes it “it jingles” he says, and once again st. Peter lets him through.
The Irish man thinks for a while then pulls out a black pair of bra and thongs, st. Peter takes one look and asks “And what's that supposed to be?”
The Irish simply smiles and says,
“They're Carols"
On their way home they got in a car crash which resulted in every single one of them dying.
All three appear in front of the pealy gates and st. Peter approaches them “since it's Christmas Eve, I'll give you all a chance to enter heaven, if you have anything on you right now that resembles or symbolizes Christmas then you can enter”
The English man pulls out a lighter and lights it “it's a candle" st. Peter lets him through.
The German puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a bunch of keys and shakes it “it jingles” he says, and once again st. Peter lets him through.
The Irish man thinks for a while then pulls out a black pair of bra and thongs, st. Peter takes one look and asks “And what's that supposed to be?”
The Irish simply smiles and says,
“They're Carols"
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