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Today's Joke Thread

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  • Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
    1,030
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    Southeast FL
    Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller and asked: How long will I live?

    The psychic replied: I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.

    Which holiday? Putin asked.

    The psychic smiled and said. Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday.


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    Texas SOT
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Southeast FL
    A blonde is on a business trip and staying in a hotel. That night, she receives a phone call from the check-in counter:
    "Good evening ma'am. Would you like male prostitute service? It's just 100 dollars".
    The blonde rejects, "Sorry, not interested." 10 mins later, the counter calls her again: "Ma'am are you sure you don't want any? We have the best male prostitutes in the city, guaranteed to last at least one hour."
    The blonde, who doesn't believe it, thinks "Bloody scammers. Can make any promise to make money. I've never slept with a man that can do it for one hour" so she replies indifferently ". What if he can't last for one hour?"
    The counter replies: "ma'am in that case, you don't need to pay him. Instead he'll pay you 100 dollars."
    The blonde agrees "OK send him in".
    A man soon enters her room, and has sex with her. After just 10 mins, the man finishes, throws 100 dollars on her bed, and leaves.
    The blonde: Wait. Something is not right….


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    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Southeast FL
    It was in town last night and the local policeman was making his evening rounds, as he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
    He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
    'Heavens no, we bought it.'
    Then why don't you drive it away.'
    We can't drive.'
    Then why did you buy it?'
    'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.


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    Texan79423

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    Jun 7, 2021
    1,204
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    Flatlands
    little johnny.jpg
     

    robertc1024

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    Jan 22, 2013
    20,781
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    San Marcos
    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
    'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
    'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
    1,030
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    Southeast FL
    Thank you for calling the suicide hotline. Please select from the following menu:

    If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

    If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

    If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you're depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

    If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

    If you have low self-esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.


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    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
    1,030
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    Southeast FL
    A Surgeon goes to visit his patient after her operation, and he asks her how she is feeling.

    “I’m feeling fine” she replied.

    “Well have you any questions you would like me to answer?” he asked.

    “There is one thing” she whispered with a red face, “When will I be able to resume my sex life?”

    The surgeon was taken aback and thought for a moment, but then said “I am not sure, I have never been asked that before, after a Tonsillectomy”.


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    single stack

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    Oct 27, 2011
    1,500
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    FL
    Hey Joseph, how come I never get picked for the random drug test? Those guys are gone for an hour. They are probably going to McDonald’s for a snack or coffee or something and all I get is more work.

    I’m not wasting money giving you a drug test. You would go and have fun or get something to eat. Those guys aren’t having fun. The test isn’t that random.
     

    MountainGirl

    Never underestimate the abilities of an old woman.
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    Dec 22, 2022
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    Ten Oaks
    While speeding down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting to catch speeders.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What’s your hurry?"

    To which she replied, "I’m late for work."
    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?’"

    "I’m a rectum stretcher," she responded.
    The cop stammered, "A... what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked in awe.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge. . ."
     

    General Zod

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    Sep 29, 2012
    26,763
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    Kaufman County
    So coming home from work yesterday I got in a fender bender with a dwarf! It was awkward. He got out of his car and stormed over on his short legs, jabbed a finger at me and yelled "I am not happy!"

    I blinked and said, "Yeah, from the way you drive I'd have guessed Dopey!"

    And that's when the fight began.
     

    Aus_Schwaben

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    5   0   0
    Jan 31, 2019
    3,760
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    Abilene, TX
    A man walks into a bar he has not patronized before. and there is a robot behind the bar. One of the patrons tell him, "The owner fired all the bar tendors when he bought this robot. But actually, he is pretty good."

    The robot comes over and asks, "What will you have?" and the man answers, "Martini, Please!" The robot brings back the best martini ever and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "160", and the robot starts up a conversation about Physics, medical techonology, and economics. The man finishes his martini and leaves, stimulated by the conversation.

    He is very curious and returns to the bar the following night. The robot asks, "What will you have?" and the guys says, "Martini, Please!" The robot brings back another great martini ever and asks, "What's your IQ?" This time, the man's answer was "115" and the robot starts talking about NASCAR, football and drinking beer."

    Still curious, the man returns the following night and orders another martini. This time when the robot asks, "What's your IQ?", the man says, "Around 50, I guess." The robot says, "You guys still happy you voted for Biden?"
     

    baboon

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    May 6, 2008
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    Out here by the lake!
    The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

    While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.

    Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." And the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"

    At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

    God bless the Marine Corps.
     

    MountainGirl

    Never underestimate the abilities of an old woman.
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    2   0   0
    Dec 22, 2022
    4,213
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    Ten Oaks
    Here's a few for ya -


    It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar, but it's 45 minutes from the bar back to my house.

    The difference is staggering.

    ***********
    I picked up a hitchhiker last night, and he asked me "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

    I said "The chances of two serial killers in one car are astronomical!"

    ***********
    I stuck my finger in the hole and it was wet and getting wetter.
    At that point she started to go down on me.
    It was then that I realized my boat was sinking..

    ***********

    You're welcome :)
     

    OldPhart

    Active Member
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    0   0   0
    Oct 18, 2017
    209
    46
    Orangefield
    Ned, the 35 year old virgin, finally meets a girl, Madge, and a couple of years later they are married. Madge has been wondering why Ned had never advanced beyond the kissing stage in those 2 years.

    On their honeymoon night, Madge notices that Ned is more nervous than usual, but figures it's honeymoon night jitters. After an hour or so, Ned still won't go anything further than kissing.

    Madge asks him what's wrong and after a bit he confides that his mother told him women had teeth "down there" and he should never touch it or he would get a very painful bite. Madge very seductively takes off her panties, lies back on the bed and spreads her legs. She then asks Ned to please look to see that she has no teeth. After a few minutes, Ned finally looks and says:

    "No wonder you don't have any teeth down there----just look at the condition of your gums!"
     

    BRD@66

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    Jan 23, 2014
    10,773
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    Liberty Hill
    When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered "spine” are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
     
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