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Today's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Rants and Raves' started by Charlie, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class got up and moved to the first class section and sat down.

    The flight attendant watched her do this, and asked to see her ticket.

    She then told the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she would have to return and sit in the economy section in back.

    The blonde replied, “I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I’m staying in this seat.”

    The flight attendant went back to the cockpit and told the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

    The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that because she only paid for economy she would have to leave first class and return to her proper seat.

    The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I’m staying in this seat.”

    The co-pilot returned and told the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

    The pilot said, “You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

    He goes back to the blonde and whispered in her ear, and she said, “oh, I’m sorry.” and she got up and went back to her seat in economy.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    I just said “First class isn't going to Houston” .
     


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  2. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
    Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
    After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.
    True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
    "Is that you, Frank?"**
    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."**
    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"**
    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
    I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..
    Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).
    Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
    After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.
    "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"


    "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona"
     
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  3. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....

    An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' Of course child. What can I do for you?'

    I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?' 'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie. ‘With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'

    When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare? ‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

    'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!’
     
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  4. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    Cockpit Announcement:



    Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude , the captain announced:

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good , so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"

    Silence followed.......................



    Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"



    From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled,



    “For the luvva Jaysus you should see the back of mine!"
     
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  5. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK!

    HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

    The teacher held her breath ....

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the government's strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth."
     
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  6. BRD@66

    BRD@66 TGT Addict

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    Ha! I first heard that told by one of my Boy Scouts - at a Troop meeting nearly 35 years ago.
     
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  7. Just Geri

    Just Geri Well-Known Forum Sponsor

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    Frozen crabs & the blonde flight attendant

    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
    And asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
    Them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was
    A lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
    Let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
    To the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New
    Orleans please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:
    1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
     
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  8. F350-6

    F350-6 TGT Addict Lifetime Member

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    Diary of a Texan

    December 8: 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the first we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I'm so glad we moved here. I love the snow!

    December 9 We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I Shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. Later, a snowplow came along and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.

    December 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped from the snow. I shoveled the drive again. Afterwards, the snowplow came again. Now the snow is brownish-gray.

    December 14 It warmed enough today to cause slush which froze again when the temperature dropped. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my a$$ in the driveway, $145.00 to chiropractor. Nothing broken. More snow.

    December 15 Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway with considerable damage. Another 8 inches of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling for me. The *** da** snowplow came twice today.

    December 16 It's 8 ***king degrees outside. More ***king snow. Not a tree on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the ***king house down. Managed to put out the flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room, and totaled it.

    December 20 Had another 14" of the da** stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. *** da** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Neighbor says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22 13 more inches of the white sh** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire neighbor who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

    December 23 More mother ***king *** da** white sh** keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bi*** who drives the ***king snowplow, I'll tear open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till after I've shoveled. Power is still off. Toilet froze.

    <December 24 6" of snow. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the da** shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. I know the snow plow driver hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the *** da** snowplow.

    December 25 Merry Friggin Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Sh** I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

    December 26 Still snowed in. Why the fu** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

    December 28 Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BIT** is driving me crazy!!!

    December 29 10 more inches. Neighbor says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that bast*** think I am?

    December 30 Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

    December 31 HAPPY FRIGGIN NEW YEAR. Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. Wind chill is 22 below. Screw this sh**. I’m moving back to Texas
     
  9. toddnjoyce

    toddnjoyce TGT Addict

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    ^^. Reminds me of being stationed in Colorado Springs.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2019
  10. deemus

    deemus my mama says I'm special

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    While checking into his hotel in Galveston, an elderly man sees a newlywed couple walk in, still in tux and gown. He congratulates them and wishes them well .

    The next morning he sees the groom sitting at the 61st St pier fishing. He waves and does some fishing. The day after he he sees the groom fishing at a jetty. The following day he sees him fishing off the jetty. Always alone. Concerned, he approaches the young man and inquires as to why he's not boning his wife in the honeymoon suite.

    "Well sir, she got pyorrhea, so she's got awful breath, and I cannot bring myself to kiss her to get the ball rolling. And she's got gonarhea, so I can't make love to her."

    "My god son, what were you thinking marrying a girl like that?!?"

    "Well, she's got worms too. And, you know how I love to fish....."
     


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