Patriot Mobile

Today's Joke Thread

The #1 community for Gun Owners in Texas

Member Benefits:

  • Fewer Ads!
  • Discuss all aspects of firearm ownership
  • Discuss anti-gun legislation
  • Buy, sell, and trade in the classified section
  • Chat with Local gun shops, ranges, trainers & other businesses
  • Discover free outdoor shooting areas
  • View up to date on firearm-related events
  • Share photos & video with other members
  • ...and so much more!
  • robertc1024

    Moderator
    Staff member
    Moderator
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 100%
    20   0   0
    Jan 22, 2013
    20,781
    96
    San Marcos
    A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

    The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

    The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    Blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

    The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

    Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

    The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

    "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

    The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
     

    robertc1024

    Moderator
    Staff member
    Moderator
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 100%
    20   0   0
    Jan 22, 2013
    20,781
    96
    San Marcos
    Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' ‘Jail!' cried Fred. 'What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, the little gold-digging b#*^h figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

    The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

    "I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

    "First Place," said Snow White.

    They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman.

    After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

    "First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

    They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio says "this is mine!"

    Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

    "What happened?" they asked.

    "Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    An oldie. but WTH:

    Two old guys decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
    After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
    The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
    These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
    The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
    As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!"
    "Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"---
    "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..'
    His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch."
    "A witch??. . Why would you say that?"
    "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!"
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    Two Woman friends had gone to a bar for Girls Night Out. Both were very faithful and loving wives’; however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

    Incredibly Drunk and walking Home they both needed to pee., so they stopped at the cemetery.
    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and used them.
    Her friend however was wearing a very expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

    She was very lucky when she squatted to pee because there was a grave with a wreath with a Ribbon on it, so she wiped with that.

    After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

    The next day one of the woman’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said “These girls' nights out need to stop… I’m starting to suspect the worst … My wife came home with no panties” …

    “That’s Nothing said the other husband, Mine came back with a card stuck up her butt that said, “From All of Us at the Fire Station, We’ll Never Forget You” …
     

    contender buff

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Mar 29, 2011
    23,932
    96
    ft worth tx
    1FED807A-7D26-4675-9DA2-9DD5C9609B0E.jpeg
    3A264B12-5522-4C75-94B1-32EE11813382.jpeg
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    LEARNING TO CUSS
    A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are raking the yard. The 6-year-old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss".
    The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
    The 6-year-old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with Hell and you say something with Ass".
    The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
    "I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your Ass it won't be Cheerios".
     

    Wudidiz

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 100%
    4   0   0
    Jul 8, 2022
    10,996
    96
    Tomball
    Carl went up to the teacher’s desk and put down a box full of cash. “$2437.00 cash money” he proudly announced. “$2437.00?“ the teacher asked in disbelief. How did you make that much money over the weekend?” “Selling toothbrushes” Carl said. “I set up a chip and dip stand at the busiest corner downtown and gave each person walking by a free sample. They all said ”This tastes like dogshit” so I told them “It is dogshit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
     

    gdr_11

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 1, 2014
    2,895
    96
    Saw this one today and it still makes me laugh after hearing/reading it a dozen times over the years.
    ————-\
    An old cowboy, dressed in cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
    To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences. .. so I guess I am."
    After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV - everything seems to make me think of women."
    A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
    To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    Sorry if this is a dupe, but ain't about to go through 58 pages to find out:

    Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

    Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ‘ m back to Alabama, sell 'em and make a fortune.

    Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us”. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama ."

    They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “ 'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and....."

    "The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Alabama, ain't ya?"

    "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"

    "Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    A young woman brought her fiancée home to meet her parents.

    After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out more about the young man. The father invited the fiancée to his study for a little talk. "So, what are your plans?" The father asked the young man.

    "I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

    "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" The father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”

    "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us.”

    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" Asked the father.

    "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us.”

    "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children'?

    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancée.

    The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned; the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

    Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?”

    The father answered: "He's a Democrat. He has no job; he has no plans. And he thinks I'm God!!!
     
    Every Day Man
    Tyrant

    Support

    Forum statistics

    Threads
    116,120
    Messages
    2,953,354
    Members
    34,941
    Latest member
    Irowland1994
    Top Bottom