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Today's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Rants and Raves' started by Charlie, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

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    I was asking my friend at what point did Celsius and Fahrenheit become the same.
    One of my other buddies quickly chimed in, "-40 degrees..."
    Impressed I said, "I didn't know you were so knowledgeable in weather science?"
    "I'm not," he said. "But I have been to Minnesota."
     


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  2. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

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    A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
    "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
    Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
    He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
    "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
    The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,and then slurs, "Not anymore! You're second. That SOB is first!"
     
  3. Glenn B

    Glenn B Well-Known TGT Supporter

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    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
     
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  4. karlac

    karlac Gone fishin' ... TGT Supporter Lifetime Member

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    Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

    She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had a son! Ain't dat girl and Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got yourself a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

    Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"

    When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"

    His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

    Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-Forty."
     
  5. Dinoble1

    Dinoble1 Active Member

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    Dec 19, 2016
    Found on funny picture thread:

    THE DEAF BOOKKEEPER:

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger...


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  6. Dinoble1

    Dinoble1 Active Member

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    Adjustments.jpg


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  7. Dinoble1

    Dinoble1 Active Member

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    FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:

    Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
    When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently.
    I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
    Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard

    Max, enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

    SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

    Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
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  8. tinplas

    tinplas Well-Known

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    San Antonio
    20200202_22344784.jpg
     
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  9. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

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    A metal skid dropped on a guy's foot, cutting off all his toes. To add insult to injury, while he was in the hospital, his wife had him served with divorce papers!

    It wasn't unexpected though, everyone knew she was lactose intolerant....
     
  10. Ozzman

    Ozzman Active Member

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    ^^ groan..

    This took me a few minutes to understand... I feel awful that I finally got it.
     


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