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  • Texan-in-Training

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    Jul 8, 2012
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    Rockdale, Texas
    Before he died, Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver .

    "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
    The driver said, "No problem. Be my guest!" Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
    The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
    The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
    He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
    The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
    The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
    The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
     

    Geezer

    Mostly Peaceful
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    Jul 23, 2019
    5,221
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    Silsbee, Texas
    This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

    He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

    I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

    "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I just got out of prison."
     

    kbaxter60

    "Gig 'Em!"
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    Jan 23, 2019
    9,913
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    Pipe Creek
    A schoolgirl was in class one day and wanted to share some of her knowledge with the teacher: “Jonah was swallowed by a whale”, she states.

    The teachers says “Oh, no, a whale’s throat is way too small to allow a full grown man to pass. That simply could not have happened.”

    The little girl is not one to give up easily: “When I get to heaven, I am going to ask Jonah if that whale swallowed him.”

    The teacher says “And what if Jonah went to hell?”

    The little girl thought for a moment and said “Then YOU ask him.”
     

    Dougw1515

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    Jul 14, 2020
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    USA
    Memory Clinic

    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
    "You mean a rose?"
    "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"...SB...
    USA1.gif
     

    Dougw1515

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    USA
    Snippets

    I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
    Eventually we drifted apart.

    My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.
    I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

    A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
    I told him, that's the last thing I need.

    The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
    We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

    100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays
    everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
    Oh how the stables have turned.

    My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with
    a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
    "Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
    "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker"
    "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
     

    BRD@66

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    Jan 23, 2014
    10,773
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    Liberty Hill
    There was a farmer who had four daughters.

    One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing
    there.

    The young man said,
    "My name is Freddy.
    I've come to pick up Betty.
    We're going out for spaghetti.
    I hope she's ready."

    The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out.
    Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was
    there. He said, "My name is Vance.
    I've come for Nance.
    We're going to a dance.
    Is she ready by chance?"
    Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go.

    Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there.
    He said,
    "My name is Moe.
    I'm here to get Flo.
    We're going to a show.
    Is she ready to go?"
    Again the farmer was amused and let them go.

    Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing
    there. He began, "My name is Chuck."

    The farmer shot him.
     

    baseball8819

    New Member
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    Oct 8, 2020
    22
    11
    Dallas
    There was a farmer who had four daughters.

    One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing
    there.

    The young man said,
    "My name is Freddy.
    I've come to pick up Betty.
    We're going out for spaghetti.
    I hope she's ready."

    The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out.
    Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was
    there. He said, "My name is Vance.
    I've come for Nance.
    We're going to a dance.
    Is she ready by chance?"
    Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go.

    Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there.
    He said,
    "My name is Moe.
    I'm here to get Flo.
    We're going to a show.
    Is she ready to go?"
    Again the farmer was amused and let them go.

    Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing
    there. He began, "My name is Chuck."

    The farmer shot him.
    they were just gonna go feed a duck!
     

    BRD@66

    TGT Addict
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    Jan 23, 2014
    10,773
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    Liberty Hill
    Dad had been on active duty for 6 months & Mom was having a difficult time single-parenting their two boys ages 6 and 4. It seems that they'd developed quite a bad habit of routinely cursing. Exasperated from playing the mother role - you know, threatening but never following thru with anything but "wait til your dad gets home", she poured out her little heart to Dad in a telephone conversation.
    Dad said, "I'm coming home next week & I'll take measures to correct the problem".
    Dad gets home, hugs, kisses, luckily no cursing outbreaks, & to bed. Next morning at the breakfast table, Mom asks Tommy (the six year old) what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "I think I'll have some of them goddamm flapjacks". Dad without saying a word gets up & whales on T's little butt, then calmly returns to his chair & coffee. Mom now turns to little Johnny & asks him the same question. Johnny responds "I'm not sure Mom, but you can bet your sweet ass that I don't want any of them goddamm flapjacks".
     

    BRD@66

    TGT Addict
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    Jan 23, 2014
    10,773
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    Liberty Hill
    A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.
    On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

    It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
    doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
    to be his best day ever on the water.

    He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He
    was jubilant!

    Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

    He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

    The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
    out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you
    ever take!'

    'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'

    The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

    The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just screwin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?'
     

    BRD@66

    TGT Addict
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    Jan 23, 2014
    10,773
    96
    Liberty Hill
    R-rated jokes with G-rated punchlines - ala Laugh-in. Do an internet search if you're interested in reading the entire joke.
    I don't know. I fell off the perch.
    Yeah, I know them Ritis boys & that Arthur - he's the worst one of the bunch.
    Well if it's so long before you get results, why did you get in such a hurry there at the last?
    Penguin replies to mechanic: "No that's just a little ice cream."
    Yes! But tonight's the night!
    No deer. Run to fast, jump too high.
    'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
    Well, I don't know about the other guys but I just use the spoon.
    No hurry ladies! The ship doesn't leave until tomorrow.
     

    Axxe55

    Retiretgtshit stirrer
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    Dec 15, 2019
    47,036
    96
    Lost in East Texas Elhart Texas
    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

    The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

    After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

    Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

    As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

    There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
     

    Axxe55

    Retiretgtshit stirrer
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    Dec 15, 2019
    47,036
    96
    Lost in East Texas Elhart Texas
    God is Busy.

    If you don't know god, don't make stupid remarks!

    A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. he had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a a devout atheist, and a member of the ACLU as well a being a liberal Democrat.

    One day the professor shocked the class when he came into the room, He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." the lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God, and I'm still waiting!"

    It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marin got out of his chair, walked up to the professor, and cold cocked him; knocking him off the platform. the professor wa out cold. the Marine went back to his seat and sat there silently.

    The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. the professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So he sent me!"

    the entire class erupted in cheers!
     

    Dinoble1

    Well-Known
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    Dec 19, 2016
    1,030
    96
    Southeast FL
    GOD'S PLAN FOR AGING

    Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

    So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

    Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

    #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

    #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

    #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

    #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

    #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

    #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

    Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

    cvgunman

    Not a Leftist douchebag!
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    16   0   0
    Oct 9, 2017
    2,469
    96
    Mckinney TX
    Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

    As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.

    The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”

    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

    Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

    Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”

    He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
     

    Dougw1515

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    USA
    Young Man buying Condoms
    15 year old guy is telling his friends about his new hot girlfriend. One if the older boys in the group tells him if she’s all that hot he better be prepared and get some condoms. The 15 year old thinks about that advice for a couple of days and decides he should probably take the older guys advice. So the next day the 15 year old goes to the local pharmacy. Pharmacist asks the young man if he can help him with anything. Young guy replies, yes sir. I would like to buy some condoms. The pharmacist ask him how many he needs and the young guy says, well how much are they? Pharmacist tells him he has some that sell 3 for $1.00. The young guy tells the pharmacist yea I’ll take those. The pharmacist wrote up a sales ticket for a total of $1.06. Young man is a little confused and says I thought you said they were 3 for $1.00? Pharmacist then tells him the 0.06 cents is for the tax. Blows young guys mind and he tells the pharmacist, oh, I thought they stayed on by themselves!!
     
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