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Today's Joke Thread

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  • karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    A famous dude on the U.S Olympic Cycling Team decided to ride from Los Angeles to New York Non-Stop for publicity and donations. Well he made it through Phoenix, El Paso, & Houston, but when he got just outside Lafayette, Louisiana he ran out of steam and pulled over in a park to rest.

    Boudreaux came by in his corvette and recognized him and stopped to talk. The dude told him he couldn’t go any farther and Boudreaux said “man don’t give up”. I’m driving to New York tomorrow and we can tie a rope tour bicycle and I’ll pull you – When I go to fast just honk the horn three times on your handle bar.

    So the dude thought about it and agreed. They tied the rope to the corvette and bicycle and took off casually down the road.
    After a couple miles Thibodeaux pulled up beside Boudreaux’s corvette in his Mustang GT and gunned it and told Boudreaux
    – I’ve wanted to race that raggedy ass corvette for a long time – Let’s get it on…

    Well Boudreaux told Thibodaux he couldn’t because he was pulling a guy on a bicycle, to which Thibodeaux said “Your just Chicken”… And Boudreaux got mad and stomped on the gas pedal… And off they went tearing down the road.

    After two miles they passed a Highway Patrol who had set up a Radar Trap… Well the Highway Patrol saw them and looked at his radar and called in to the dispatcher in disbelief and said, “You’re not going to believe this – A corvette and mustang just went through my radar trap at 105 mph.

    The dispatcher said “What’s so hard to believe about that”???

    The Highway Patrolman said: “There’s a guy on a bicycle honking his horn to pass”…
    ARJ Defense ad
     

    Aus_Schwaben

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    Jan 31, 2019
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    Abilene, TX
    A couple in their 90s goes to see their lawyer. The lawyer asks how he could help them. They look at each other before answering "We want a divorce." The lawyer thinks something is wrong because his grandfather and father were their lawyers before he took over so he asks "Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?"

    The couple looked at each other again and answers "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
     

    Dougw1515

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    Coincidence
    A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.
    The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered
    champagne, too!'

    'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I
    am celebrating.'

    This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

    'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added:
    'What are you celebrating?'

    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
    gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last
    year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    'I used a different cock,' he replied.

    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!
     

    Frank59

    Wheel Gunner
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    May 14, 2018
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    San Angelo
    Loraine Bobett was driving down the interstate with her husbands penis in the passenger seat when it dawned on her to get rid of the evidence. She rolled her window down and thru the penis out and across the divided highway. Two drunks were coming from the other direction when the pecker smashed into the middle of the windshield. The drunk in the passenger seat asked the drunk who was driving....." God dam.....Did you see the dick on that mosquito"??
     

    Dougw1515

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    Yeah but... you can't put political jokes here. Then there's the transgender joke bucket for those jokes. Then of course the damn Yankee joke bucket. And then... well you get the idea! Then there's the trash bucket for post like this'un. :banana:
     

    BRD@66

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    Liberty Hill
    When I first heard this, it was about an Aggie en rte back to BCS on Sunday afternoon, had lost his bus ticket, & needed a little $ to buy a replacement ticket.

    Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, "Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?"
    The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never heard. "You shiftless bum! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you! You should be ashamed!"
    The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, "Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal."
    The hobo was ecstatic! "Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!" So the owner said, "OK, go around back. You'll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you'll have a meal." The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back.
    About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. "Now don't you feel better," he said. "Yes!" said the hobo. "I'm a new man!"
    "OK," said the owner, "come in and have some lunch." The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow.
    As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, "Oh, by the way, that wasn't a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari."

    source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Paint_the_Porch_1#ixzz6VVbvcyUt
     

    Dougw1515

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    3 Women
    Three women were sitting and talking about their love life.

    The first women, frowning, said "My husband is a psychiatrist and all he wants to do is talk about it."

    Second women, also rather unhappy, says "My husband is a gynecologist and all he wants to do is look at it"

    The third women, grinning from ear to ear replied 'My husband is a mechanic, he tore it up the first night and he's been working on it ever since."
     

    Dougw1515

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    We're going to Las Vegas

    A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.
    "To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."

    The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.

    "I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."
     

    Dougw1515

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    I dialed a number and got the following recording:

    "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

    ************************************************** *******

    Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed and shoots his friend dead.

    Wife says, "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

    ************************************************** *******

    My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

    ************************************************** *******

    Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

    ************************************************** *******

    The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

    ************************************************** *******

    I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

    ************************************************** *******

    What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

    Stress is when your wife is pregnant,

    Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant and . . .

    Panic is when both are pregnant.

    ************************************************** *******

    Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

    Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our gardener ran away.

    ************************************************** *******

    A women asks a man who is travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"

    The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

    ************************************************** *******

    A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

    Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.

    Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

    ************************************************** *******

    Nominated as the best short joke this year...
    A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

    "Not yet," she replied.
     

    Dougw1515

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    Morty and Selma
    Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!" Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met." Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"...SB.
     

    Geezer

    Mostly Peaceful
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    Jul 23, 2019
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    Silsbee, Texas
    This date in history, August 31, 1948: After losing a bet, Charles Arbitof changed his last name to Arabbitoff. In an interview years later, his older son, Charles Jr. (nicknamed Chase) said "I always thought it was funny. It gave me a good story to tell, and I got a lot of free drinks in bars over the years as a result. But my younger brother could never accept it. He became estranged from the family, and died a bitter man at the age of 42. Poor Jack, I still miss him."
     

    Geezer

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    Silsbee, Texas
    A group of kindergartners was trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

    “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.

    She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
    Little Chris says ... “I went to visit my Nana.”
    The teacher replies ...“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
    He says ... “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
    She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people’s words.”

    She then asked Bobby what he had done.
    Little Bobby says ... “I read a book.”
    “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
    Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit”.
     

    Dougw1515

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    This is a true story - mine.

    After I got my divorce I decided to give internet dating a whirl. If you have never been exposed to internet dating it goes like this.

    You post a picture(of yourself) - That's the "hook"
    You create a profile of yourself that contains your redeeming qualities, your likes/dislikes, and of course what you're looking for in a mate - That's the "bait"

    Now you're ready to go fishing... There's millions of folks involved so to garner attention you need something that sets you apart from the crowd. Good bait is priceless! So I created a profile that pretty much guaranteed I would be visible. I professed to be:

    "The Perfect Man"
    From time to time I have been informed that while my essay(profile) clearly defines what I seek in a woman I have disclosed nothing about myself. To address that issue I submit the following.

    In me you will receive “The Perfect Man”.

    I come fully equipped including, but not limited to, a beer in one hand and a remote in the other. I am one that thinks only of himself and doesn’t even know others exist until such a time as I need: clean clothes(and can’t find any), a beer, the location of the remote, toilet paper, anything from the store, or anything else that will cause me to extract myself from my recliner.

    I will plan, in perfect detail, every project your heart desires. I will prove to you, over and over again, that my ability to plan is exceeded only by my ability to procrastinate.

    I will say exactly the wrong thing… at exactly the wrong time… in front of as many people at one time as humanly possible.

    I will strictly adhere to the male theorem which states: Instructions are for sissies. I can fix anything ever made by man, woman or robot; even if I, of my own accord, can not locate the ON button. And that – I can do it better and cheaper than a professional! But that – it may take me just a “little” longer.

    I will show you endless creative ways to transform a stack of long boards into a pile of short sticks - None of which fit the intended space.

    Once the original stack of long boards has been consumed I will dutifully request that you return to the lumber store, on your bicycle, for another stack of long boards, while I remain at home – to check my plans.

    I will never make an entry in the check book register or inform you of my ATM withdrawals simply because I have an excellent memory. I still recall, shortly after we met, you saying to me, “I like surprises!”, and I know it’s the little things that make a woman’s heart sing.

    I will travel with you to visit your family with the reliability of the sunrise – and the regularity of a solar eclipse.

    I will bring to life, just for you, the saying: Dumb as a brick.

    I will buy you clothes that Godiva would not wear.

    I will remember important dates, anniversaries, and birthdays with the uncanny ability similarly displayed by a rock.

    I will unfailingly come to bed…at 3:00 in the morning….and wake you up… to let you know… I looooooove yooooou.

    Sadly time and space do not permit me to delve into all of the excellent qualities I possess. But, if what you have read here interest you to action, I can be contacted by email at TooGoodToBeTrue@RealMan.com . In case you feel an urgent need to talk to me directly you can call me at 1-900-What.Was.I.Thinking.

    The strangest incident to occur due to my profile was:

    I was contacted by a woman. She had no interest in dating me but... She had four other friends that had read my profile and they were dying to meet me simply to see if I really existed! So I ended up on a date with 5 women - yeah that went over well.
     
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