[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting >someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply >using the sink.
4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snoozebutton.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools : WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. So be brief with people.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thoughts for the day:
Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Some people are like 'slinkies'. They're not really good for anything; but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.[/FONT]
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting >someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply >using the sink.
4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snoozebutton.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools : WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. So be brief with people.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thoughts for the day:
Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Some people are like 'slinkies'. They're not really good for anything; but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.[/FONT]
