Washington, August 31, 2001.
Information leaked by disgruntled White House insiders reveal Obama's Job Initiative to be presented before a joint session of Congress.
Quote: "Due to the greatest Recession in American History that I inherited from George Bush, I have directed the Office of Management and Budget to force all Federal employees of 50 years of age or older into Early Retirement, thus creating more jobs for younger generations."
This compassionate program will be known as Retire Aged Persons Early (RAPE).
Persons chosen to be RAPED may apply to the Department's Ombudsman to be considered for the Special Help After Forced Termination (SHAFT).
Persons both RAPED and SHAFTED must be reviewed under the System Covering Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
A government employee may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and be SCREWED as many times as the Department deems necessary.
All persons RAPED qualify for Additional Income for Dependents and Spouses (AIDS), and/or Half Earnings for Retired Persons with Early Severance (HERPES).
Persons with AIDS/HERPES may not be SHAFTED or SCREWED in any future personnel management decisions.
All remaining employees must submit to Special High Intensity Training (SHIT), and the Government prides itself on the amount of SHIT it provides.
//End of Press Release//
August 31, 2011, 9:05 p.m.
Information leaked by disgruntled White House insiders reveal Obama's Job Initiative to be presented before a joint session of Congress.
Quote: "Due to the greatest Recession in American History that I inherited from George Bush, I have directed the Office of Management and Budget to force all Federal employees of 50 years of age or older into Early Retirement, thus creating more jobs for younger generations."
This compassionate program will be known as Retire Aged Persons Early (RAPE).
Persons chosen to be RAPED may apply to the Department's Ombudsman to be considered for the Special Help After Forced Termination (SHAFT).
Persons both RAPED and SHAFTED must be reviewed under the System Covering Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
A government employee may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and be SCREWED as many times as the Department deems necessary.
All persons RAPED qualify for Additional Income for Dependents and Spouses (AIDS), and/or Half Earnings for Retired Persons with Early Severance (HERPES).
Persons with AIDS/HERPES may not be SHAFTED or SCREWED in any future personnel management decisions.
All remaining employees must submit to Special High Intensity Training (SHIT), and the Government prides itself on the amount of SHIT it provides.
//End of Press Release//
August 31, 2011, 9:05 p.m.
