'New' Joke Thread.

[AcidFlashGordon]

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of very tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announding "FREE CATS".

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?"

"Kittens", replied Suzy.

How old are they, the President inquired.

Suzy replied, "Theyre so young, their eyes aren't even open up yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats", answered Suzy.

Obama was delighted and as soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR Chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the President should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So, the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN (no FOXNEWS).

"Hello again" Obama said. I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you are giving away.

"Yes sir" Suzy said..."they're Republicans"

Taken by surprise, the President stammered "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Democrats".

Little Suzy smiled and said..."I know. But today their eyes opened"
*********************************************************************

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said,

"Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."
************************************************************

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and Said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"....."You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
*****************************************************************

Obama went duck hunting in Alaska.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into Sarah Palin's field on the other side of her fence

As he climbed over the fence, Sarah drove up on her tractor and asked him what he was doing.

Obama responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell onto this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

Palin replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant Obama said, 'If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

Palin smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here.
We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''

Obama asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule?'

Sarah Palin replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

Obama quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take a woman at this game.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.

Sarah slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Obama.
Her first kick planted the toe of her steel toed work boot into Obama's groin and dropped him to his knees.

Her second kick to the midriff sent the Obama's last meal gushing from his mouth.

Obama was on all fours when her third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

He summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, now it's my turn.'

Palin smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

Experience wins again

 

[robertc1024]

OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

 

[AcidFlashGordon]

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Spew warning necessary here.

I now have coffee all over my monitor.....

 

[Acera]

Gotta try and resuscitate this thread. All need a laugh with the news out there..................

Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some reloads for an upcoming trip to the range.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't.“

 

[Acera]

[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out[/FONT].

 

[BIGPAPIGREG]

A termite walks into a pub, jumps up on the bar, looks around and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Flyingswords]

3 gay guys walk to a funeral home and knock on the door. The mortician answers and opens the door and says "May I help you Sirs"

gay guy #1 steps up and hands the Mortician the urn of his lover's ashes and says - I would like you to spread my lover's ashes over the ocean. He loves scuba diving and fishing. The mortician takes the urn and sets it on a nearby table and says......sure I will be glad to, and the 1st gay guy leaves

gay guy #2 steps up and hands the mortician the urn of his lover's ashes and says - Would you please spread my lover's ashes over the Grand Canyon? He loved to go hiking and camping there. The mortician takes the urn and tells the man - he will surely do it as he sets the urn on the table. The 2nd gay guy leaves.

gay guy #3 walks up and hands the mortician the urn of his lover's ashes while still holding a bowlful of beans. The mortician looking puzzled at first takes the urn and asks the man where would you like for me to spread your lover's ashes? The gay guy blushes and holds out the bowlful of beans. Looking even more puzzled he asks the gay guy "why on earth would you want me to spread your lovers ashes in the bowlful of beans there?" The gay guy blushes even harder and replies "I want to feel him tear my ass up one more time."

 

[BIGPAPIGREG]

OLD DOG

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

(That one is for you Padre)

 

[Coop45]

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima .'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.' ...
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding in agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones .'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Sailors invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

 

[robertc1024]

Stolen, but my turn:

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said with a laugh
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?


The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT 'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

 

[vmax]

an old farmer had a blind mule for years. Each day in the evening the mule would walk out of the barn, down a path to the creek and get a drink of water. It had done this so many times, it just knew the way.
One day a man came to see the farmer, he heard he might have a mule to sell

The farmer didn't mention anything about the mule being blind and as they were talking the mule came out of the barn and headed down the path toward the creek. The mule didn't see the man's wagon pulled across the path and ran right into it hard.

The man looked at the farmer and said "Mr..is that mule blind?"

to which the farmer replied "no, he ain't blind.. he just don't give a damn

 

[F350-6]

Tools Explained





DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.