'New' Joke Thread.

[Acera]

Can't find the old one, must have been lost in last years crash, so lets start a new one.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she was dating someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be
fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $150, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "That bastard paid me in pennies and nickels!"

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,
so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the pasture.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
I came to inseminate the cow, he said.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail,
she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,

'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple." she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

"I guess it's to hang your pants on, she replied."

An old cowboy walks into the local barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets 2 little wooden balls from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put them inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed those little balls.


The barber replied, "Just bring em' back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

 

[okie556]

Okay jokes were funny but the damn deal with your hands piss me off............LOL. What the hell! How'd he do that?

 

[scap99]

Okay jokes were funny but the damn deal with your hands piss me off............LOL. What the hell! How'd he do that?

He doesn't. He got everyone locked out. Let go of his grip and re did it to make it look the same, but was set to just rotate his hands up.

 

[AcidFlashGordon]

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake She turned and looked at him as if for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole!' afterwards."

******************
And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years
replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long
time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her
and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked
up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!! ". So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one
are you?"
And then the fight started....

**********************

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
And lo, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

 

[alexrex20]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.


The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"


The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ ! !"

 

[Skip]

Man gets hit by a car and is laying in the middle of the street. Another man walks to him and gingerly places his coat under the man's head, and asks, "Are you comfortable?"
The hurt man looks up and replies...
"Eh... I make a living"

 

[Charlie]

BARRY SOETORO ....................... that is all.

 

[Skip]

BARRY SOETORO ....................... that is all.

View attachment 18829

 

[Charlie]

View attachment 18829

Thanks .......................................... (I think)

 

[Skip]

Lol

 

[Acera]

A brunette and a blonde were roommates in a walk up apt. One day, the brunette looks out the window and frowns. She turns to her blonde roommate and says, "Oh great! Here comes my boyfriend carrying a huge bouquet of flowers. That means I'm gonna have to spend all weekend in bed, lying on my back with my legs spread 5 feet across."

To which her blonde roommate replied, "Wouldn't it be easier to just use a vase???"

 

[Acera]

Why men have it better ..

---

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about guns.

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest acts of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Wedding dress: $2,000; Tuxedo rental: $75

Your underwear cost $10 for a three pack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

Grey hair and wrinkles add character.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with, “So, notice anything different?”

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle last for years, even decades.

A few belches are expected and tolerated.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can”do” your nails with a pocketknife.

 

[Acera]

The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

 

[Acera]

A small business owner was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

 

[Acera]

When I first saw this I thought this had to be a joke, but apparently not................

Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon
The Ultimate Lube Keg
Best Value
Lube Pump Included

Amazon.com: Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon: Health & Personal Care

Get a chance, go check out some of the reviews on amazon about this product, some are f'n awesome.

This fellow did not like it, and only gave it 1 star.

I bought this product thinking it would be the perfect way to disentangle my 5,000-odd porcupines after a peanut butter tanker flipped over in the yard during the nightly feeding frenzy.

Instead of separating them, it just made them amorous. Now I have 2500 pregnant female porcupines, 2500 henpecked males desperate to escape, and 6000 lbs of peanut-scented-porcu-poo. Our farm, which formerly smelled lightly of lemons and sunshine, now reeks of coitus and used Jiff. The hog slaughter down the road is complaining. I'm considering a lawsuit.

 

[Acera]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

 

[Acera]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.” The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

“Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

 

[dbgun]

GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst..
my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you!

 

[dbgun]

Daddy's car in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

 

[Charlie]

Subject: Best Irish Joke in a long Time l

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll Not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll Be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He Falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the Stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls Flat on his face, Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door And shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes A deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto The sidewalk and falls flat on his face. Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, Hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He Takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... Way. He crawls up the Stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes A step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f... It and Falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of Coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last Night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pissed. But how did you know?' 'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'