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  • 512Ram

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    Sep 11, 2009
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    Central Texas
    feel free to post all your jokes here. This is one of my favorites and always a crowd pleaser!

    A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
    The man looks at the TV and says, “Obama is a horse’s ass.”
    Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
    He gets up, rubbing his cheek, looks around, and orders another beer.
    Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, “She is a horse’s ass too!” Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
    He gets back up and looks at the bartender, “I take it this is Obama country?!?”
    ”Nope.” replies the bartender. “This is horse country!”
     

    San Antone RR

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    Mar 12, 2010
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    San Antonio
    Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender
    The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."

    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
    "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

    The guy leaves, but he is curious so he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
    The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
    "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors

    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar.
    The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."

    The robot leans in real close and says,
    So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
     

    robin303

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    Feb 10, 2010
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    Austin
    The Funeral
    The Cardiologist's Funeral

    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.
    The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart, forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst in laughter. When all eyes stared
    at him, he said, "Sorry, I was just thinking of my funeral. I'm a gynocologist"

    The proctologist fainted.
     

    robin303

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    Feb 10, 2010
    1,705
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    Austin
    Redneck in the Marine Corps
    Dear Ma and Pa,
    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
    Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
    join up quick before all of the places are filled.
    I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6
    a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer
    all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some
    things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
    split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
    other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
    two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
    harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
    different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at
    home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in
    trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
    Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
    ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
    for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near
    as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you
    like the Higgett boys at home. Al l you got to do is lie there
    all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
    cartridges They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
    they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at
    home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that
    Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds
    dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
    onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your
    loving daughter,

    Alice
     

    IXLR8

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    May 19, 2009
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    Republic of Texas
    An American business man goes to Japan on a business trip. When arrives he can't help himself, and gets a little female companionship for the evening. Being unfamiliar with the customs and language, he starts getting busy with the girl. Pretty soon she starts moaning and screaming "Kawasaki... Kawasaki.. !". The guy figures he must be really good and thinks "Kawasaki" must be a very big complement.
    The next day he is invited to play golf with the CEO of a major Japanese firm. After a few holes he watches as the CEO makes an almost impossible putt. Trying to think of a way to praise him in his native tongue he yells out "Kawasaki"! The CEO looks back at him looking a little confused and says "Whata do you mean, wrong hole....?"
     

    San Antone RR

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    Mar 12, 2010
    2,484
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    San Antonio
    January 2013

    One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the
    White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting
    on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,
    "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

    The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer
    president and no longer resides here."

    The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the
    same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I
    would like to go in and meet with
    President Obama."

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is
    no longer president and no longer resides here."

    The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the
    same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S.
    Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
    and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
    asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is
    no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
    understand?"

    The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just
    love hearing it."

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
     

    cougartex

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    Jan 1, 2010
    1,669
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    Southeast Texas
    Blonde Mortician

    A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
    expertly tailored black suit.

    The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
    body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit
    he is already wearing.

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
    in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde
    mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
    have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
    husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
    fits him perfectly.

    She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
    an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

    To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

    'There's no charge,' she says.

    'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
    suit!' she says.

    'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
    gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
    yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
    she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
    it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

    'All I had to do was switch heads.
     

    AcidFlashGordon

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    The police DO care

    The Corpus Christi, Texas Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

    The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

    He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap on male appendage , purple lipstick and an Obama for President in 2008 T Shirt.

    He also had a cucumber stuck in his rectum.

    The police removed the Obama T-Shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

    In spite of what we may think, the Police do care.
     

    AcidFlashGordon

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    Do ya think it's true?

    clip_image001.jpg


    You decide....
     

    West Texas

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    Jun 13, 2010
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    Texas!
    "More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get something done."
     

    Truly Grits

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    I found this today. Enjoy:

    In the U.S. Marines, doing a mock war in the Norwegian city of Trondheim with the Dutch, Germans and other allies, training in urban combat. My infantry unit was positioned in a large soccer field next to an elementary school. Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated; it was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with weapons and gear, etc. It's ####ing February. In Norway. Cold as balls. Snow up to our knees. Norway obviously has no snow days, so the kids were all in school.

    Anyway, so Norway has this most delicious and amazing delicacy, I have no idea what it's called, but it's basically a bacon-wrapped hot dog; we just assumed it was called Candy of the Lord. As Americans we were naturally and instantly addicted. You find them at gas stations, and there just happened to be one on the other side of the school where we were camped. A few of my fellow Marines and I requested permission to go to the gas station and we set out on our way.

    We made it to right about where the main entrance of the school was, and the doors opened; school was out. There were only a few kids, probably 6 or 7 years old. Lots of talking and laughing. Gawking at us as we walked by, with our guns and huge ridiculous snow suits. One precocious little bugger made shooting noises at us. We made shooting noises back.

    And then someone in my group. I don't know who. God help me I don't know who...

    Someone threw a snowball and hit a little girl in the leg.

    And those little Norwegian children unleashed hell.

    There was a shrill cry in unintelligible Norseman and the doors to the school burst open. School children flooded out like a never-ending flood of something that never ends. Screeching, smiling, sprinting - how the #### were they sprinting?? - little bastards were slinging snowballs faster than the laws of physics should allow. It was like that movie Elf. If you can imagine riding in a fast car in a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window. Now imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are the size of snowballs. We couldn't ####ing see. We couldn't run. We could barely breathe. Holy ####....

    We tried to return fire and threw one, maybe two half-packed, ####ty snowballs that fell apart in the air, arms flailing like drunk octopi. I am from Texas. We were a unit stationed in North Carolina. We were so outmatched and out of our element, it only made them laugh harder. We were cutoff from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver but #### me they were fast. I think some of them were throwing rocks!

    My comrades. I could see them speed waddling in their huge suits back to camp like a ####ed up pair of white Teletubbies, under withering fire. #### tactics, #### me, #### the Candy of the Lord, this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snowboots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at Issue goddammit!! My Marines left me behind.

    I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my defenseless body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a pack of hyenas descending on a wildebeest. I tried to sling them off by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic ####. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought - oh ####. I'm really in trouble. My snow-mittens were ripped off and flung into trees. They started shoving snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your shirt?

    Well now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body. Thisishowidie.jpg.gif

    They left me laying like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried some-####ing-where. They ran away laughing, jabbering in their crazy language. I lay there trying to figure out just what in the great American #### had happened.
     

    Truly Grits

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    A Real VIP!
    Subject: VIP


    Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

    'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
    driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

    The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

    Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

    The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

    The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

    He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

    The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

    The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

    The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

    The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'

    After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

    The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
     
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