Grief - an analogy

[MountainGirl]

This isn't a downer thread, it's just an analogy that someone might find useful. Especially if you want to explain to someone, who hasn't experienced it, what it's like.

Y'all have seen on TV or movies where a vase gets knocked off a shelf, breaks into pieces, and magically the pieces fly up and the vase is back up on the shelf. Yes?

When someone we love dies - we're the vase, broken on the floor, useless. Over time, a very long time, our pieces start to come back together... until there's enough of them together to get through the days, and years, a little easier.

Eventually, with time and God's grace, we may be a usable vase again, and glad for it!

But the cracks? They'll always remain. And over time that becomes okay too.

 

[kbaxter60]

Awesome post!
There's really no good way to explain it. If you have lived it, you know.
The medium, John Edwards, was asked how long it takes to get better?
He said "It doesn't get better. It gets different."
I found that to be pretty accurate.

 

[baboon]

Yeah I'm in my post Lita stage of life. I actually want to start asking people who ask me if I'm ok, if I appear not to be ok?

So many people want to say something or feel obligated into saying something. My advice to them if you don't know what to say then stick with that.

Here lately it might look as if I am trying to buy my happiness after loosing Lita. It not that as I have always bought the things I like or wanted when I could afford them.

 

[MountainGirl]

I get that. Like trying to fill the empty spot.

 

[TreyG-20]

I lost both of my parents as a teenager. I've managed to pick up the pieces since then, but as you say the cracks still remain. So many paths I could have taken in life that would have lead me to dark places, but something out there has always steered me back towards the light. It ain't god, but something.

 

[kbaxter60]

It ain't (G)od

You sure about that?

 

[TreyG-20]

You sure about that?

Yup

 

[jimbo]

This isn't a downer thread, it's just an analogy that someone might find useful. Especially if you want to explain to someone, who hasn't experienced it, what it's like.

Y'all have seen on TV or movies where a vase gets knocked off a shelf, breaks into pieces, and magically the pieces fly up and the vase is back up on the shelf. Yes?

When someone we love dies - we're the vase, broken on the floor, useless. Over time, a very long time, our pieces start to come back together... until there's enough of them together to get through the days, and years, a little easier.

Eventually, with time and God's grace, we may be a usable vase again, and glad for it!

But the cracks? They'll always remain. And over time that becomes okay too.

View attachment 466687

I love this! My wife graduated to glory a little over 3 years ago. I am now all back together, cracks and all.
We were married 50 years.

 

[Texasjack]

What I heard once that made a lot of sense to me was that a death leaves a hole. People tend to think that the hole will shrink away, but it doesn't. Instead, we add new things - people, experiences, etc. - so that the hole is just a smaller part of our lives.

Sadly, we live in a society that seems to think death is an option instead of a part of life. Take enough vitamins, get enough exercise, get a good medical plan, and you can just go on forever. Maybe because of that we tend to think our loved ones will always be around. Truth is that we all start and finish at the same spots. It's the trip in between where we live. God made our lives short so that we would appreciate the time we spend with friends and family. Don't postpone getting in touch with them, as you don't have an infinite amount of time.

 

[MountainGirl]

^^ Nice post. We each do what we can, in our own way.

 

[Dawico]

It helps knowing they're in a better place and we will see them again.

 

[baboon]

I love this! My wife graduated to glory a little over 3 years ago. I am now all back together, cracks and all.

Alright after Lita killed herself was really the worse time for those wanting to say something but really couldn’t believe that I was seeing a shrink on in some kind of morning group.

When asked how I was dealing with the grief of her suicide. I told them that Lita did what she felt what was best for us. I don’t hold it against her.

I told them if my dad was alive he would tell me to man up and deal with it. I also have always said that I’m like a cockroach. Life stomps on me then goes on, when life circles around it sees that I have crawled off to live another day.

Some will say that I haven’t grieved properly because I had to deal with Lita’s jewelry being stolen of her corpse. And dealing with Lita’s parent’s bizarre behavior after she died. I have also heard that because I didn’t have a proper funeral in a church then burial that I didn’t grieve properly.

I’m here to say I really miss her dearly on daily basis. We are not all the exact same in many ways. I have to live my life and I doing fine. 4 more months and it will be 2 years, who knows maybe I’ll break down then.

 

[deemus]

I thought my life was over after watching my wife get hit by a semi. 18 months of counseling, being involved with several recovery groups, and life is good again.

Just passed the 5 year anniversary, and I’m in a really good place. I’m leading 4 different grief recovery groups. And trying to help people understand that it will get easier. The grief won’t always feel suffocating. You will never be the same. But you can enjoy life again.

I have no doubt God has brought me through the worst pain of my life. And I’m grateful.


ETA- thanks to all of yall who have been a friend to me over the past 5 years. You know who you are, and I’m grateful.

 

[MountainGirl]

Alright after Lita killed herself was really the worse time for those wanting to say something but really couldn’t believe that I was seeing a shrink on in some kind of morning group.

When asked how I was dealing with the grief of her suicide. I told them that Lita did what she felt what was best for us. I don’t hold it against her.

I told them if my dad was alive he would tell me to man up and deal with it. I also have always said that I’m like a cockroach. Life stomps on me then goes on, when life circles around it sees that I have crawled off to live another day.

Some will say that I haven’t grieved properly because I had to deal with Lita’s jewelry being stolen of her corpse. And dealing with Lita’s parent’s bizarre behavior after she died. I have also heard that because I didn’t have a proper funeral in a church then burial that I didn’t grieve properly.

I’m here to say I really miss her dearly on daily basis. We are not all the exact same in many ways. I have to live my life and I doing fine. 4 more months and it will be 2 years, who knows maybe I’ll break down then.

Anyone who tells you that you haven't 'grieved properly', hasn't done it. Bless their hearts and send them on their way.

 

[Mohawk600]

Everyone deals with grief in their own way.....there isn't a blueprint or roadmap for it.

 

[deemus]

Also grief is not linear. Those seven stages were designed for cancer patients dealing with their own mortality.

The reality is you can, and likely do, skip around. I’ve felt 3 or 4 of those in the same day before.

It’s a wild ride with no rules. But the one thing I can say for sure for someone grieving, is the biggest help to move forward is to talk about your lost person. Find a grief recovery group and attend, and talk about your lost person. You will find that somehow your load is a little lighter.

If you are grieving in the Waco area PM me. I just started a grief recovery group there. And I have one in the Garland area too.

Always room for more folks there.

 

[Lead Belly]

 

[MountainGirl]

View attachment 467389

Absolutely true. Jake showed me that.