Funny jokes

[Jakashh]

Barack and Michelle Obama are at the White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of
The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."**** that" says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is piling up! "

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

what did one tampon say to the other?

not too much, they were both stuck up bitches.





What's worse than locking your keys inside your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

 

[Jakashh]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your
duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which
he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the
bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh. my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked,
"Well, what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and
we feel that you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

So I'm sitting in this bar, drinkin by myself, and there's this woman sitting by herself, and I think: why not annoy the shit out of her? then i realize she has a black eye, and think "great, she doesn't listen!"

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.



Passenger: 'Who?'



Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time, like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'



Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'



Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'



Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.



Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.



Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'



Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'



Passenger: ' A n amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'



Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f---in' wife.

 

[Jakashh]

Re: Funny joke

Pubs.

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[Wolfwood]

here is one i jsut made up.

what do you call a prince who hates sex?

a Frigid Heir.

(refrigerator joke)