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Divorce?

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  • mitchntx

    Sarcasm Sensei
    Emeritus - "Texas Proud"
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    5   0   0
    Jan 15, 2012
    4,117
    66
    Waco-ish
    Married my high school sweetheart in 1978.

    Two kids, both grown and 30 years of living with a monster called bi-polar disorder. Started to leave many times, but felt a sense of obligation. So I decided to tough it out and pray for better times.

    And like answered prayer, I come home one day in January of 2019 to an empty house and a note telling me to have my lawyer call her lawyer.

    Best thing that has ever happened to me. Living the dream in Whitney.

    My advice is to call around and find a good divorce attorney. Mine cost me a tick over 10K and she probably saved me 100s of thousands.

    Personally, I just don't see myself ever becoming involved again. After 40 years of hell, my general opinion of the female of the species isn't very high.
     

    MTA

    TGT Addict
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    Mar 10, 2017
    9,054
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    Fannin
    Yes. Divorced once. My advice is that if there's any possibility of working it out, see if you can do it.
    It is hardest on the kids. And now we have THREE kids whose marriages look to be ending. So I would say it also sets up a cycle that is not good. That was 25 years ago, and I still feel guilt about how hard it was on the kids and how it set them up for the same pain for themselves. Got any buddies that know a great counselor? Ask around. Take inventory of why you married her in the first place. If any of that is left, go see a good counselor and see if you can hang onto it.
    Praying for your positive outcome.
    Seeing my parents divorce right as I was about 16-17 years old hardened my resolve to never ever do that. I waited a long time to get married and I got married to the right one. My grandparents on both sides ingrained in me marriage is a life long and sacred vow. Apparently my old man didn't get the message but my mom was really shattered by the whole divorce.

    Divorce is a terrible thing most of the time and unfortunately sometimes you cant look into the future to see if someone is going to turn into a beast a few years down the road. The kids are the ones who truly suffer
     

    toddnjoyce

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    Sep 27, 2017
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    Boerne
    The only piece of experience I can add to all of this is that you better be ready to accept the risk that your relationship with your child may die on the vine and there’s nothing you can really do about it.

    As the child matured, they will form their own opinions of you and, once any custody arrangements end, they’re not forced to have a relationship with you.

    Not saying that will happen, but it’s a risk that all too often ends up as reality.
     

    candcallen

    Crotchety, Snarky, Truthful. You'll get over it.
    Emeritus - "Texas Proud"
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    2   0   0
    Jul 23, 2011
    21,358
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    Little Elm
    Divorce, as bad as it is, is better than kids growing up around fighting spitefull parents.

    I offer the following advice. Quiet discrete Preparation, planning and forethought. Hopefully the divorce will be amicable and everything agreed upon but the process in adversarial and you must prepare to be fair but unyielding or you will get screwed.

    Separate credit as much as possible. Your creditors aren't party to the divorce and care not if the spouse was supposed to pay, they will come after you. This is why lots of divorces include a BK shortly after.

    Save money for moving out. Cash.

    If you have guns or other property that is yours that you didnt come into the marriage with and think it might be in jeopardy consider selling it and buying it back later. Sound crappy but if it goes bad they will do much worse to you just because they can and to use such stuff as leverage. If you came into the marriage with it it most likely will revert back to you.

    Ensure you are prepared for the nasty accusations that come with a contested divorce. I suggest recording arguements or even some surveillance of the spouse if you think they are messing around. Fathers are universally treated like sheit in these proceedings so again preperation, planning and forethought.

    If there is conflict you need to keep records of all calls and texts. Talk to her directly as little as possible and record those calls or conversations. Just do it discreetly and tell no one. Protecting yourself and showing the other party to be a liar will be priceless if things go bad.

    Consult a lawyer, even if you dont plan on using one, to educate yourself on the process. File first and give her everything she has coming up front. Including joint custody with one parent as primary resident parent. Never let the other part get custody with you only visitation. This is especially true if there is going to be conflict. Once you give her all that's traditional coming dont yield on anything else unless the reward or compromise is worth it to you.

    You and your lawyer have priviledge but anyone else in the room while talking to them dont so dont bring buddies or new girlfriend as they can be deposed

    Like I said, hopefully it will be amicable with everything agreed upon, but you must carefully and discreetly prepare for it to be the worst experience of your life.

    Again never give up custody of your kids. It's always full joint custody period. It will save you trouble down the road.

    Sorry this is happening but approach it like any other perilous situation and you will be fine. Hopefully you can avoid a BK and years of bad credit and thousands of dollars in legal fees over the next 15 years re child support and custody issues by being smart in the beginning.
     

    kbaxter60

    "Gig 'Em!"
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    0   0   0
    Jan 23, 2019
    9,907
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    Pipe Creek
    Fathers are universally treated like sheit in these proceedings...
    I already weighed in as "see if you can save it", but I CAN tell you that what c&c stated is, in fact, the truth. At least it was in the state of WA. I don't imagine it's much better in the great state of TX.
     

    EZ-E

    King Turd of Shit Mountain
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    2   0   0
    May 4, 2017
    7,628
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    Middle of no where
    The only piece of experience I can add to all of this is that you better be ready to accept the risk that your relationship with your child may die on the vine and there’s nothing you can really do about it.

    As the child matured, they will form their own opinions of you and, once any custody arrangements end, they’re not forced to have a relationship with you.

    Not saying that will happen, but it’s a risk that all too often ends up as reality.


    Excellent point to be made. I know of several ex wifes that did nothing but talk bad about the father of the children. Then the kids are absorbed with propaganda the ex is spewing. Next thing you know the kids dont want to spend time with dad.
     

    Axxe55

    Retiretgtshit stirrer
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    0   0   0
    Dec 15, 2019
    47,021
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    Lost in East Texas Elhart Texas
    Psycho, even if you divorce her, you have a 5 year old daughter, so you're still married to the woman for at least the next 13 years! As mentioned, work out your problems if possible. If not, just don't make the situation toxic for your daughter. Sometimes, if all else fails, divorce is the answer. I consider it the final option when all else has failed.

    I divorced wife #1 and wife #2. Currently on wife#3!
     

    Dave68

    Member
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    0   0   0
    Sep 4, 2014
    194
    11
    NW Houston
    If you both are far enough apart that you know it’s not going to work, then don’t put off the inevitable. I tried to wait it out, but it didn’t change the outcome. You can still be a good dad and if you are your kid will still love you for it. Fortunately, Texas law is clear and mostly fair so there’s not a whole lot of fighting over the big stuff. You are young enough to get through it. Don’t sweat the finances. You’re not going to get rich in a bad marriage anyway.
    Keep in mind this advice is worth what you paid for it.
     

    Axxe55

    Retiretgtshit stirrer
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    0   0   0
    Dec 15, 2019
    47,021
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    Lost in East Texas Elhart Texas
    Personally, my word is worth more than my peace. If you made a vow, keep it.

    That's honorable and everything, but what about when the other half breaks those vows?

    My first wife was an alcoholic cheating slut, who gambled most of my money away. I am not exaggerating in the least when i say that either.

    Since we divorced in 1989, she has had seven DWI's in two different states, and remarried four times since me.
     

    F350-6

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    May 25, 2009
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    You're both grown ups. It's time to have a talk. Agree up front that it will be a calm talk with no yelling or hateful words.

    The only way a marriage can work is if both people want to be married to each other. If one of you is already at a definite no, then there's no point in discussing anything other than how to split things up.

    If one or both of you think there's problems, or if both of you want to try to make it work, then counseling is a good option.

    If it's really over, save yourself a ton of money and just work out how to split things up with your other half. Don't fight over things you think are important to you that you won't care at all about in 20 years, or won't keep anyway if you meet the right person later. The kid is the only thing that you don't want to give up on.

    And email might be the best way to sort out the possesion list, so that it's in writing and can be referred back to. Just use the lawyer to do the paperwork if you can. The cost of divorce isn't something you want to let get out of control. You don't want to spend an extra $10,000 in lawyer fees just to keep a $800 item.
     

    candcallen

    Crotchety, Snarky, Truthful. You'll get over it.
    Emeritus - "Texas Proud"
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    2   0   0
    Jul 23, 2011
    21,358
    96
    Little Elm
    My first wife played it like this.

    I come home from work and she says if you ever need more back surgery I'm leaving. I said what? She repeated and I said I'll save you the trouble and never looked back.

    We had 2 kids. I gave her a house that was my sole and separate property on condition she stay there till the kids graduated HS and then could do what she wanted with it but would also provide a college education along with returning enough money for her to get her own home too if she didnt stay there. Her credit was so bad I bought it my self and made all the payments etc. She had no claim at all even in the divorce cause she signed a legal document saying as such. The catch was joint custody and the kids lived in the same place till graduation no moving etc. Fair trade off if you ask me for stability for the kids.

    After the divorce and after she manipulated my family to the point she was done using them she cut off access to my kids. First it was setting up fun trips and activities for the kids to do on my time like camping or disney land etc.
    It progressed to "oh I forgot they are with so n so". Finally it was "they dont like you, dont want to see you and I wont make them". They kids only knew all the fun activities they got to do and had no inkling or input to her bs. So it was drag them thru court, which she knew I wouldnt do or wait till they got older and do the best I can till then. When they got older they seeked out a better relationship thankfully. Even with her BS I never once bad mouthed their mom to them and even when asked I told them it was just adult stuff that wasn't their problem.

    Finally they pressed and I said I'll tell them one time as they were adults.

    The worst part is the house. I told them the deal. She got a house that only had about 75 grand owed so they could have stability and pay for college. It was a huge home on nearly an acre in a good part of town near their school and friends. The house was worth about 300 grand at the time the stupid bitch quit claimed it to someone for less than 12 thousand dollars. She could have sold it and bought a new home and still paid for college but her new boyfriend didnt want to live in another mans house. She threw away all that money but mostly the kids stability and future for some arshole who left her a few years later.

    Anyways the point I'm making is if you get divorced ensure you protect yourself and kids. Yield on nothing. Men are treated like criminals and women given the benefit of the doubt in all proceedings involving children and, if the divorce isnt amicable and your rights protected they almost always turn into a spiteful vengeful beast who wants to punish you. I think alot of this is spurred on by lawyers and friends but you must be prepared for this.

    Men, with kids, who just want it over and try to do the right thing are often taken advantage of.

    Planning for all possible courses the process could take and possible outcomes.

    Prepare for this with divestment of property and pooling of assets so you can leave as soon as you file because the court will make you move out and keep paying Bill's if she pushes it.

    Talk to a lawyer even if you dont want to use one. You need to know the process and avoid suprises.

    This is a process where no one really wins. It's about triage and survival with the least permanent damage especially to your kids. Remember that it is preferable to subjecting your daughter to a toxic environment of fighting and parents who cant stand each other. You definitely dont want to indoctrinate here into thinking that's a healthy way of living cause you will damage your grandkids down the road too when she acts like what she thinks is normal.
     

    Texasjack

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    1   1   0
    Jan 3, 2010
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    Occupied Texas
    I struggled with getting divorced, but eventually the situation was that it was harder for my son if we stayed together fighting constantly. I tried everything I could to make things work, but it was never going to happen. We were together for 16 years, so it wasn't an overnight thing. Looking back, I should have divorced her long, long before that. The last 6 years I stuck with her to be with my kid, and that's all.

    Divorce was miserable, and my ex made it as miserable as she possibly could. In the middle of it, there were a couple of deaths in my family, I got laid off from my job, I was hurt in a car wreck, and even my dog died.

    The whole thing made me go back and look at people I knew - the ones who had good marriages and the ones whose marriages failed and I tried to find the common theme. Eventually it came to me. Once someone is full grown, they are the person that they are. People - especially young people - get married thinking that somehow the other person is going to change. Oh, she won't treat me like that once we're away from her family or he won't drink so much once we have kids. The reality is that VERY few people make a fundamental change in their lives once they are adults. Drinkers will drink, cheaters will cheat, bitches will bitch, the lazy will get lazier. Chances are that the things you can't stand will actually get worse, not better. If you can honestly look at your partner and say, I am 100% willing to accept every fault this person has, your chances of success are pretty good. If you can't say that - even if you're at 99% - your chances of failure are extremely high.

    Statistically, marriages are more successful if the husband is at least 27 and the woman is at least 25. Again, it's because people that are too young believe they can change their partner.

    Another factor in marriage success is that marriage is much like dancing: one has to lead and the other has to follow. It doesn't matter so much which one leads, and sometimes circumstances may even change that, but if you both try to lead - or both follow - all you'll do is run into each other. If you want to live in the country and she's determined to live in the city, you're going to have conflict that comes back over and over. You like guns, she hates guns, well, you know what happens. You don't have to agree on everything, but you have to have some things in common and a willingness to concede to the other's needs.

    My sister went to a marriage counselor before divorcing her husband. The counselor asked her why she stayed with her husband and my sister told her she thought God wanted her to stay married. The counselor asked, "Do you think God wants you to be miserable? Because ultimately that's what you're saying. Otherwise, you can face the fact that you both made a mistake and fix it." Pretty good advice. Don't stay where you're both miserable. Life is far too short for that.
     
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