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  • Charlie

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    Mar 19, 2008
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    'Top of the hill, Kerr County!
    One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

    "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

    And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
    of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.


    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!

    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
    Guns International
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
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    Erath County
    download (11).jpg
     

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    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
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    Erath County
    One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
    "Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
    "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
    "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
    "That's still too expensive," the man says.
    "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
    "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
    "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
    "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
    96
    Erath County
    Fifty one years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
    That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
    On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.
    That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
    On his third day, he was issued a jock strap...
    The Army is still looking for him.
     

    Texan-in-Training

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    Jul 8, 2012
    1,768
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    Rockdale, Texas
    Late Fall, so the Indians on a reservation in North Dakota asked their new Chief if the coming Winter was going to be cold or mild.
    Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he'd never been taught the old secrets.
    When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the Winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
    Being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
    He pulled out his phone, called the National Weather Service, and asked, “Is the coming Winter going to be cold?”
    “It looks like this Winter is going to be quite cold."
    So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold Winter?”
    “Yes, it’s going to be a very cold Winter.”
    He went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
    Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?”
    “Absolutely. It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest Winters we’ve ever seen.”
    “How can you be so sure?”
    “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
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    Erath County
    I was asking my friend at what point did Celsius and Fahrenheit become the same.
    One of my other buddies quickly chimed in, "-40 degrees..."
    Impressed I said, "I didn't know you were so knowledgeable in weather science?"
    "I'm not," he said. "But I have been to Minnesota."
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    0   0   0
    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
    96
    Erath County
    A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
    "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
    Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
    He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
    "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
    The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,and then slurs, "Not anymore! You're second. That SOB is first!"
     

    Glenn B

    Retired & Loving It
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    Sep 5, 2019
    7,450
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    Texarkana - Across The Border
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    Aug 21, 2013
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    Houston & Hot Springs
    Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

    She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had a son! Ain't dat girl and Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got yourself a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

    Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"

    When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"

    His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

    Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-Forty."
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
    1,030
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    Southeast FL
    Found on funny picture thread:

    THE DEAF BOOKKEEPER:

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger...


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
    1,030
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    Southeast FL
    FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:

    Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
    When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently.
    I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
    Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard

    Max, enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

    SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

    Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
    96
    Erath County
    A metal skid dropped on a guy's foot, cutting off all his toes. To add insult to injury, while he was in the hospital, his wife had him served with divorce papers!

    It wasn't unexpected though, everyone knew she was lactose intolerant....
     
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