Capitol Armory ad

Today's Joke Thread

The #1 community for Gun Owners in Texas

Member Benefits:

  • Fewer Ads!
  • Discuss all aspects of firearm ownership
  • Discuss anti-gun legislation
  • Buy, sell, and trade in the classified section
  • Chat with Local gun shops, ranges, trainers & other businesses
  • Discover free outdoor shooting areas
  • View up to date on firearm-related events
  • Share photos & video with other members
  • ...and so much more!
  • Just Geri

    Well-Known
    Industry Partner
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Aug 5, 2009
    1,963
    96
    Ohio
    An old one but still good...

    A young lady was taking her first flying lesson when the pilot suddenly passed out.
    She is filled with panic, but manages to put the headphone on and contact the control tower.
    "Keep calm, I'll talk you in. No problem, I'm well trained in this area. First, tell me your height and position."
    The young lady replies "I'm 5'4" and support Hillary's position".
    Tower responds, "Okay, repeat after me...'Our Father, who art in heaven..."
     

    Just Geri

    Well-Known
    Industry Partner
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Aug 5, 2009
    1,963
    96
    Ohio
    A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
    The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
    He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

    "I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
    "The woman says, "oO, I'm a high-end call girl."
    "No, that still won't work. Try again."

    "They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
    The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

    The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is!"
     
    Last edited:

    Just Geri

    Well-Known
    Industry Partner
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Aug 5, 2009
    1,963
    96
    Ohio
    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
    To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
    Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
    ... Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
    Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

    "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
    you a question first.

    A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
    Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
    but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
    Thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
    The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
    God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
     

    BRD@66

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jan 23, 2014
    10,773
    96
    Liberty Hill
    My wife and I were married for 50 years. One day, I took a careful look at her and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

    “Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

    Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.
    The math ruined it for me. She was 19. Damn OCD anyway.
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    Boudreaux owned a charter boat business that took fishermen out in the Gulf for big-game fishing.
    As they cruised further out into the Gulf, they passed a deserted island. They were taking in the sights when suddenly one of the fishermen pointed excitedly to the shore where a ragged, bearded man was running up and down waving wildly.

    “Who on earth is that?” he asked Captain Boudreaux.

    “I dunno, me,” said Boudreaux, “but he sho’ like ta see me, cuz he wave an’ scream like dat every time I pass dis way!”
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,775
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

    "What's that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

    Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

    Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

    The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home"
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
    96
    Erath County
    A restaurant was packed with people watching a televised ball game. Two diners gave the harried waitress their order, then waited a long time without getting food.
    Hearing the sound of cheers from the bar area, one diner joked, "It sounds like someone got served!"
     

    Just Geri

    Well-Known
    Industry Partner
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Aug 5, 2009
    1,963
    96
    Ohio
    A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
    The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”
    The customer says, “Female”
    The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
    The customer says, “White”
    The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
    The customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”
    The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up!”
     

    Just Geri

    Well-Known
    Industry Partner
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Aug 5, 2009
    1,963
    96
    Ohio
    A friend showed me a photo of his ex-wife. I said, "She's beautiful." He replied, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my new girlfriend." "Wow! Is she even better?" He said, "No. She's an optometrist!"
     

    MikePotts

    Well-Known
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 100%
    2   0   0
    Scene 1, A Cold Day in Scotland:

    A knock on the croft door.

    Mary: Och Jimmy you're freezing, come on in and have a cup of tea.

    Jimmy: Thanks Mary I don't mind if I do.

    Mary: Would you like some cake or a meringue?

    Jimmy: No, you're right Mary I'd love some cake.
     

    tinplas

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 100%
    2   0   0
    Nov 22, 2017
    2,549
    96
    San Antonio
    Scene 1, A Cold Day in Scotland:

    A knock on the croft door.

    Mary: Och Jimmy you're freezing, come on in and have a cup of tea.

    Jimmy: Thanks Mary I don't mind if I do.

    Mary: Would you like some cake or a meringue?

    Jimmy: No, you're right Mary I'd love some cake.
    Took me a bit, but hilarious!
     

    Bozz10mm

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Oct 5, 2013
    9,616
    96
    Georgetown
    Scene 1, A Cold Day in Scotland:

    A knock on the croft door.

    Mary: Och Jimmy you're freezing, come on in and have a cup of tea.

    Jimmy: Thanks Mary I don't mind if I do.

    Mary: Would you like some cake or a meringue?

    Jimmy: No, you're right Mary I'd love some cake.
    Okay, this one I'm still working on. Right over my head.
     

    Just Geri

    Well-Known
    Industry Partner
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Aug 5, 2009
    1,963
    96
    Ohio
    It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

    He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

    This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

    The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

    "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded,

    "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

    So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
     
    Top Bottom