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Today's Joke Thread

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  • Just Geri

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    A Wish To Live Forever

    I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

    "I want to live forever," I said.

    "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

    "Fine,"I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

    "You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.
     

    Just Geri

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    A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that
    I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

    The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
    pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
    The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

    Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms
    out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe
    and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

    "Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets
    a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
    How can this be?"

    "Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed."
     

    satx78247

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    THE BARBER.

    One day a barber cut a preacher's hair & then refused payment, saying, "Parson, I regard you as doing God's work. Your haircut is free."
    The next morning the barber arrived at work & found a dozen new Bibles at his door.

    The next day, he cut a policeman's hair & refused payment saying, "You protect the public & your haircut is free."
    The barber arrived at the shop the next morning & found a dozen fresh pastries at the door.

    The day after that, he cut a lawyer's hair & refused payment saying, "You serve the cause of justice & I won't take your money".
    He arrived at the barber shop the next morning & found a dozen lawyers outside, all of whom wanted a free haircut.

    yours, satx
     

    Just Geri

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    Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about govt. benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
    The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable since it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
    The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
    Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000, but if you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
    "Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey are gonna send ta Afghanistan first?
     

    Just Geri

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    Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
    She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
    and begins to read her book.
    The peace and solitude are magnificent.

    Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
    He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good Afternoon, Ma'am..
    What are you doing?'

    'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

    'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

    'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

    'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
    For all I know you could start at any moment.
    I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

    'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'
    says the woman.

    'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

    'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
    For all I know you could start at any moment.'

    'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
     

    Just Geri

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    Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Tampa International Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

    ... For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

    The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said,
    “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

    The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

    I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
     

    Just Geri

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    An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

    A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

    "Yes, I know," said the lady, "But I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

    "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this damn hat yesterday!!"
     

    Just Geri

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    Here's one with much respect to the esteemed ladies in our midst...

    A guy and his girl were having a heated argument. He says, trying to finally end the confrontation, "I'm the man and what I say goes".

    His girl, without saying a word, goes into the bedroom and retrieves a pair of her panties. She says, "Here, put these on." He says "Those tiny things? I'll never get into your panties!"

    She says "Nope...not 'til your change your attitude you won't."
     

    Just Geri

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    A wife was standing in the kitchen one morning, preparing
    soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt
    she slept in. As her husband walked in, she turned to him and said:

    "You've got to make love to me right now, here, across the kitchen table."

    His eyes lit up. He could hardly believe his luck, and before she
    could change her mind, he made love to her on the kitchen table.
    Afterwards, she hurriedly thanked him and returned to the
    stove, with her T-shirt still around her neck.

    Happy, but puzzled, he asked her:

    "What was all that about?"

    "Oh," she said. "The egg timer is broken."
     

    Just Geri

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    An American Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
    He says to the waiter "Want Coffee"
    The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."He hands the Indian a tall mug of coffee........
    The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shot gun causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
    The next morning the Indian returns.He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want Coffee"
    The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was that all about anyway?
    The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in the United States Congress. Come in, Drink coffee, Shoot the bull, Leave mess for others to clean up and disappear for the rest of the day".
     

    Dawico

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    An old man buys a new Corvette. He's running down the highway doing 80.

    A State Trooper pulls behind him and turns his lights on.

    The old man says screw it and speeds up to 100. Trooper is still right behind him.

    Up to 120. Trooper still right there.

    The old man hits 140 but decides that's enough and pulls over as the Trooper is still on his tail.

    The Trooper says "Sir, it's Friday afternoon and I don't want to deal with all the paperwork of hauling you in and impounding your car. If you can give me an original reason for speeding like that I will let you go."

    Old man says "20 years ago my wife left me for a State Trooper. I thought you might be bringing her back."

    "Have a good weekend sir and keep it down a bit."
     

    satx78247

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    A wife was standing in the kitchen one morning, preparing
    soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt
    she slept in. As her husband walked in, she turned to him and said:

    "You've got to make love to me right now, here, across the kitchen table."

    His eyes lit up. He could hardly believe his luck, and before she
    could change her mind, he made love to her on the kitchen table.
    Afterwards, she hurriedly thanked him and returned to the
    stove, with her T-shirt still around her neck.

    Happy, but puzzled, he asked her:

    "What was all that about?"

    "Oh," she said. "The egg timer is broken."

    Geri,

    Surely you've heard that "a house is not a home" until the married couple have had at least one "Great American Quickie" in every available space.
    (CHUCKLE)

    yours, satx
     

    satx78247

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    To All,

    According to a recent poll of 10,000 residents of Chicago, 86% have "enjoyed sexual acts in the shower".
    The other 14% haven't been in prison, yet.

    yours, satx
     

    MetalCutter

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    aaa-swish.jpg
     

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    Just Geri

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    As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

    Sure enough I passed a police road block but beings as though it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
     

    Just Geri

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    Bottle of Wine

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers .

    The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

    Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

    The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man
    .
    The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

    The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

    The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


    MORAL OF THE STORY:
    Women are clever, evil people. Don't mess with them!
     

    Just Geri

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    I'm a bit older than most of you. I enlisted in the Air Force shortly after "Ike's" re-election while the Cold War was in full swing, and the previous conflicts had NOT been forgotten at all. I had been promoted to A/2c (two stripes, then) and was a flight-leader in Tech School at Scott AFB, Illinois.

    A bunch of us used to go clubbing and drinking around central Illinois and around St. Louis on weekends and so several of us were in the latrine of this one bar in Cahokia when an obviously honored and decorated Army guy came in and stood in front of the urinal, his arms hanging limply at his sides. He had four rows of medals on his blouse, stripes from his elbow to his shoulder, and hash-marks up his cuff beyond count. There was a new, very young A/3c from my flight standing next to him and this veteran mildly asked this young fellow, "Say, son. Could you do an old soldier a great favor?"

    The Airman confidently said, "Sure, Sarge. Name it."

    The Sergeant said, "Could you pleas unzip my fly and hang my weapon out over the urinal for me".

    The young airman looked kind of puzzled, but he figured maybe the Sergeant had war wounds that rendered his hands unusable, so he did exactly that.

    The Sergeant relieved himself, and said to the Airman, "And could you please shake it off and put it back inside and zip me up?" to which the Airman complied.

    As the Sergeant turned to the sinks, the young Airman asked, in his soft southern drawl, "Ko-rea?"

    The Sergeant turned on the tap to wash his hands and replied, "No. Gon-o-rhea, and I'm afraid to touch the damned thing, myself".
     

    Just Geri

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    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, including tutors, mentors, flash cards, and special learning centers. In short, they tried everything they could think of to help his math skills improve, but to no avail.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

    His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was finished eating, he marched right back up to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

    This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at the report card and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity, so she went up to his room and said, "Son, what was it that helped you? Was it the nuns?"

    Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..

    "Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
    Little Zachary looked at her and in all seriousness said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
     
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