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Today's Joke Thread

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  • Charlie

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    'Top of the hill, Kerr County!
    AM

    8:00 I made a snowman.
    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
    8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
    8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
    8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
    8:22 The transgender ma/wom/person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
    8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
    8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.
    8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
    8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
    8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
    8:45 TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
    9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
    9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
    9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

    Moral: There is no moral to this story.
    It's just the world in which we live today... and it is going to get crazier.
    ARJ Defense ad
     

    artemiop

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    Oct 3, 2018
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    A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for.

    The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and "if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars."

    The man says, "I can do it!" So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

    About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

    The bartender looks at the man and says, "if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars." The man says, "ok I'll do it!"

    He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"

    The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".

    "How did you make him cry?" asks the bartender?
    "Well I showed him."
     

    Vaquero

    Moving stuff to the gas prices thread.....
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    Dixie Land
    Little Larry the Fighter Pilot

    A 5th grade teacher asks the kids in her class,"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Little Larry says, "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while... banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

    The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson."And how about you, Sarah?"

    "I wanna be Larry's Whore."
     

    artemiop

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    Oct 3, 2018
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    Little Larry the Fighter Pilot

    A 5th grade teacher asks the kids in her class,"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Little Larry says, "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while... banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

    The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply continue with the lesson."And how about you, Sarah?"

    "I wanna be Larry's Whore."
    Hell i want to be larrys whore
     

    artemiop

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    Oct 3, 2018
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    Houston
    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
     

    Just Geri

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    Planting a Garden
    An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
    Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
    A few days later he received a letter from his son.
    Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
    Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
     

    Just Geri

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    The Cowboy
    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
    "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
     

    Charlie

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    'Top of the hill, Kerr County!
    The Cowboy
    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
    "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
    Epic!
     

    artemiop

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    Joke everyday hell we all need a good laugh
    I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?" Me: "John" Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have." Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know? A lot?" Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."
     

    FireInTheWire

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    Joke everyday hell we all need a good laugh
    I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?" Me: "John" Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have." Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know? A lot?" Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white *****."
    ROFL!!!!!!!!!
     

    FireInTheWire

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    A lonely Indian walks into a whore house. bartender asks "what'll it be?" Indian says "me want sex" bartender says "OK buddy you ever had sex? Indian says "No". Bartender replied "well you see that old stump out in the yard with the hole in it?" The Indian nods "Hmmm". "Well go out there and practice on that stump till you get the hang of it." about 45mins later Indian comes back in. "Me ready for sex. Me want pretty blonde" Bartender said "OK" as he waves Mary over for the Indian. They go upstairs and about 10mins later they hear Mary screaming out loud. The bartender and another girl run upstairs and kick the door open to find the Indian hitting Mary with a stick. The bartender tackles the Indian and they get Mary calmed down. The bartender yells at the Indian "What the hell you doing man! Why you hitting her?". The Indian relied back "Me check for bees".
     

    Just Geri

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    A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

    "How did I get here?"

    Her mother told her, "God sent you."

    "Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

    "Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

    "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

    "He sent them also," the mother said.

    "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

    "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.


    "So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

    No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."
     

    Just Geri

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    A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good CAT all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

    The Cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

    God said, "Say no more." Instantly the Cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

    A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the Cat

    The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from Cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
    God answered, "It is done.." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

    About a week later, God decided to check on the Kat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the Cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

    The Cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
     
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