In those days water was often unsafe to drink so they used Spirits beer rum wine instead of water even for kids.
The pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock because they were out of beer and had to make more.
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Today's Joke Thread
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The pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock because they were out of beer and had to make more.
That’s a just a good start in the Air Force.
I see what you did there.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
Judge: “Now, madam, please tell the court all that passed between you and your husband during this quarrel.”
Mrs. Jones: “Your honor, I can not remember everything, but I’m sure there was the rolling pin, three plates, and the stove lifter.”
Mrs. Jones: “Your honor, I can not remember everything, but I’m sure there was the rolling pin, three plates, and the stove lifter.”
That’s just to replace what you sweat out at morning PT. Gotta keep the alcohol blood level in check. Semper Marines.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
"Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower.
“This thing is great,” he bragged to my brother. “It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!”
“This thing is great,” he bragged to my brother. “It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!”
An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
Then there was the story of a young Jewish couple -Irving and Ethel who wanted to have a baby. They tried and tried but nothing was happening so they decided that Ethel had to see a specialist. So one morning Irving leaves for work and Ethel heads to the doctor
After examining her the doctor says Ethel: I have some bad news. You have insufficient passage and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle Ethel breaks into tears as the doctor tries to console her. She finally gets home and calls Irving at work sobbing uncontrollably Irving says : I’ll be right home. He gets home and Ethel is still in hysterics and he asks. What happened?? Terrible news says Ethel
The doctor told me I had a fish in my passage and if I ever have a baby , it will be a mackerel
After examining her the doctor says Ethel: I have some bad news. You have insufficient passage and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle Ethel breaks into tears as the doctor tries to console her. She finally gets home and calls Irving at work sobbing uncontrollably Irving says : I’ll be right home. He gets home and Ethel is still in hysterics and he asks. What happened?? Terrible news says Ethel
The doctor told me I had a fish in my passage and if I ever have a baby , it will be a mackerel
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with and your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead keep the money in America by:
(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or
(2) Go to a ballgame, or
(3) Spend it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead keep the money in America by:
(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or
(2) Go to a ballgame, or
(3) Spend it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
He has just entertained his last group of children after a long career. Having grown weary of being a clown, he was thrilled to be taking off his clown makeup for the very last time. Then there was a knock on the door and a boys voice saying "Bobo, Bobo show me another trick!" "the show's over, kid." the boy persisted, "please, Bobo, please! show me another trick!" The boy never stopped nagging and finally Bobo flung the door open. "Ok, kid, you want a trick? turn around."
"Ok, Bobo."
"Now drop your pants."
"uh, okay Bobo."
"now I'm gonna put my thumb up your butt, ok kid?"
"um, uh, okay, Bobo"
"do you feel that?", Bobo asked
"yes"
then holding his arms straight out in front of the boy with each hand giving thumbs up, Bobo says: "Ta Da!"
"Ok, Bobo."
"Now drop your pants."
"uh, okay Bobo."
"now I'm gonna put my thumb up your butt, ok kid?"
"um, uh, okay, Bobo"
"do you feel that?", Bobo asked
"yes"
then holding his arms straight out in front of the boy with each hand giving thumbs up, Bobo says: "Ta Da!"
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
