Today's Joke Thread
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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf.
“Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.
“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope.
“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”
“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf.
“Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.
“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope.
“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”
“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
hree unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and asked, “You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?”
“Her? Wow, she is beautiful,” one of them said.
“She’s a good golfer,” he continued, “and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won’t hold you up, I promise.”
They looked at each other and said, “Sure! She can join us.”
Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive. When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she’d break 80 for the first time.
“Guys, I’m so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something,” she began. “I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I’m single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I’ll marry whichever of you were right!”
All three jumped at the opportunity.
The first one looked over the putt and said, “I see it breaking 10 inches left-to-right.”
The second looked it over from all sides and said, “No, I see it breaking eight inches right-to-left.”
The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, “Pick it up. It’s good!”
“Her? Wow, she is beautiful,” one of them said.
“She’s a good golfer,” he continued, “and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won’t hold you up, I promise.”
They looked at each other and said, “Sure! She can join us.”
Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive. When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she’d break 80 for the first time.
“Guys, I’m so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something,” she began. “I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I’m single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I’ll marry whichever of you were right!”
All three jumped at the opportunity.
The first one looked over the putt and said, “I see it breaking 10 inches left-to-right.”
The second looked it over from all sides and said, “No, I see it breaking eight inches right-to-left.”
The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, “Pick it up. It’s good!”
Beware of dog
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A man goes into a bank, walks up to a teller and says "i need to open a fkn account."
The teller is shocked but produces the forms and says "I just need you to fill this out, sir."
The man says "God dammit I'm a busy man, i dont have time for this shit!"
The teller replies " Sir, theres children in here, Please watch the foul language."
The branch manager, overhearing the commotion, walks up and says "Excuse me sir, i'm the manager here, can i help you?" The man replies "Im just trying to open a motherfucking account."
The manager says " that's great sir. How much would you like to deposit?"
The man replies "5 million dollars."
The manager says "And this fat fucking bitch cant help you?"
The teller is shocked but produces the forms and says "I just need you to fill this out, sir."
The man says "God dammit I'm a busy man, i dont have time for this shit!"
The teller replies " Sir, theres children in here, Please watch the foul language."
The branch manager, overhearing the commotion, walks up and says "Excuse me sir, i'm the manager here, can i help you?" The man replies "Im just trying to open a motherfucking account."
The manager says " that's great sir. How much would you like to deposit?"
The man replies "5 million dollars."
The manager says "And this fat fucking bitch cant help you?"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
Ear Infection ��
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said..
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said..
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
A Little Old Lady Was Walking Down The Street…
She was dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off — kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
"So, now I stand behind the fence by the knothole, really quietly with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "Alright. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays...."
She was dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off — kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
"So, now I stand behind the fence by the knothole, really quietly with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "Alright. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays...."
A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.
“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”
“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF THE DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The man couldn't help but be amused. "He certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The man couldn't help but be amused. "He certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.
This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the dang collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the darn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good laugh so feel free to do the same. HAHA. Hope you had a good laugh too. I sure did.
This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the dang collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the darn dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good laugh so feel free to do the same. HAHA. Hope you had a good laugh too. I sure did.
A Chinese man that just moved to the United States goes to a bank to exchange his yuan for US dollars. He gives the teller 100 yuan and the teller exchanges it for $100. He thanks the teller and leaves.
A week later, the Chinese man returns to the bank with another 100 yuan to exchange. This time the teller only gives him $90.
The man asks why he got less than last week and the teller replies "Oh, market changes and, you know, fluctuations."
Clearly offended, the man gets red in the face and yells "Oh yeah?! Well FLUCK YOU AMERICANS TOO!"
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
A week later, the Chinese man returns to the bank with another 100 yuan to exchange. This time the teller only gives him $90.
The man asks why he got less than last week and the teller replies "Oh, market changes and, you know, fluctuations."
Clearly offended, the man gets red in the face and yells "Oh yeah?! Well FLUCK YOU AMERICANS TOO!"
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Took me a minute, lol.
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