Today's Joke Thread

[Dad_Roman]

Home Depot SCAM A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing
your shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No." and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th.
Also April 1st, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful!!


P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

 

[Charlie]

Hope this hasn't been posted previously!


.............I used to be a normal man..........

I am no longer who you knew me as. I hope you understand.

As a man, I used to think I was a regular person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist and responsible for slavery

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which
by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan my financial well-being and support myself.

I went to High School, worked,have held a job with the same company for 35 years.

Now I am not here because I earned it, but because I was advantaged.

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor
to the working class & ally of big business.

I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as
an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which makes
me a member of the vast NRA gun lobby.

I am older than 62 and retired, making me
a useless old man who doesn't understand Facebook.

I think and I reason, so I doubt what main
stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive
American culture, making me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family,
and I appreciate the police & the legal system, making me a right-wing, cop loving extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair
compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe our system guarantees freedom
of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.

I believe in the defense and protection
of America for and by all citizens, now making me a militant.

I am proud of our flag, what it stands for,
and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand & salute during our National Anthem, taking me back where I started - I must be a racist.

Please help me come to terms with the new
me because I'm just not sure who I
am anymore!

I thank my friends for sticking with me
through these abrupt, newfound changes to my thinking! I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly! Funny - it all took place over the last 7 or 8 years! If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which restroom to use, and I gotta go more FREQUENTLY!

 

[sdismukes]

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Red Head are on the run from the police and hide in a barn.
When the cops get there they each hide in a sack.
As the police search the barn, they kick the sacks to make sure they are empty.
When they kick the Red Head's sack she goes "meow, meow"
When they kick the Brunette's sack she goes "woof, woof"
When they kick the Blonde's sack she yells "potatoes"

 

[Dawico]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but were each married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly. He in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied, “just for tonight,
let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea.” he exclaimed.

“Good.” she replied, “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

 

[ZX9RCAM]

I had forgotten that joke, so it made me laugh again....

 

[sdismukes]

A democrat, a republican and Bill Clinton are sucked up by a tornado and dropped in the land of Oz.
They decide to go see the Wizard.
The democrat says "I'm asking for a brain".
The republican says "I'm asking for a heart".
Bill says "where's Dorothy"?

 

[Dad_Roman]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater/Football Stadium, my row - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Bil's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

[karlac]

Didn't see it posted, mea culpa if it's dupe ... yeah right.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and asked that the boy speak to his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some jerk wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Texas , sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas ."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?

 

[karlac]

A judge was interviewing a Texas woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one coz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereos. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

 

[karlac]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me beautiful wife !

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church Beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, He's only been in there twice in the last four years.

"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[craigntx]

A self-conscious wife asks her husband, "Honey, are my boobs too small?"

"No, honey, they're fine, but if you want to make them bigger, why don't you rub toilet paper between them?" he suggests.

For the next couple of weeks, the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day, but sees no results.

"Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work?"

"Well, you've been rubbing toilet paper on your ass all these years and that's getting bigger."

 

[BRD@66]

^ Suicide by spouse.

 

[sdismukes]

My Wife, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[Charlie]

We need a double "like" thingy! That was funny!!!

 

[sdismukes]

A woman walks into a tattoo shop and tells the owner she want's a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh so when she crosses her legs he will kiss her down there.
The owner does the tattoo but when she looks at it she says "that doesn't look like Elvis".
The owner says "let me try again on the other thigh".
When she looks at the 2nd one she says "that doesn't look like Elvis either".
The owner says "lets walk down the street and ask the 1st person we meet. If they say one looks like Elvis you pay for both. If not they are free".
The woman agrees.
The 1st person the meet is an old bum.
The woman lifts her skirt and says 'do either of these look like Elvis"?
The old guy takes a close look and says"I don't know about the one on the right and I don't know about the one on the left, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson".

 

[karlac]

Mr. Fontenot put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

Fontenot asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa mon cher?"

The sweet little Cajun girl said, "I don't know me daddy, it just seemed like da right ting to do." The next day, grandpa died. Fontenot thought it was just a strange coincidence.

A few months later, Fontenot was again putting his little girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy links of hot boudin!!" thought Fontenot, "my little girl is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, Fontenot heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee all day, looking at his watch, and jumping frantically at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's da matter?"

He said, "I really don't want to talk about it cher. I've just spent da absolute worst day of my life."

Fontenot's wife said, "You tink you had a bad day? You'll never believe what done happened to me. Dis morning, my aerobics instructor dropped dead in da middle of our workout !!!"

 

[sdismukes]

After a game of golf, a lady golfer offered her caddy a ride into town. The caddy thankfully accepted and carried her clubs inside. The lady invited him to stay for lunch and served him a wonderful meal.

She then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he did that too. Later he realized it was time to get back to the course and prepared to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.

This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her, “Miss, what is going on? First, you feed me a delicious meal, and as if that isnʹt enough, you invite me to make love to you, and we have a terrific time together. Now you want to pay me? What is this anyway?”

So she explained proudly, “I told my husband I wanted to do something nice for my caddy who has been so faithful and helped me so much this year, so my husband said, ‘Screw the caddy! Give him a dollar!'”

The lady smiled, “But lunch was my idea.”

 

[sdismukes]

An elderly couple was driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?”
The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

 

[sdismukes]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven,
sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “older Person
Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work
ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome.” “Yes, I know
boss, and I am working on it.” “Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.

It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they
say if you came in late there?”

“They said, “Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”

 

[ZX9RCAM]

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