Monday Joke Thread

[Charlie]

I agree.

 

[Charlie]

Here's one for the old farts!
Subject: Will I live to see 85

For all of us of a certain age .. Here's something to think about...

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy).


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said ...

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

 

[Frank59]

Stewardess tells smartass passenger: Buckle up sir we are about to take off! Smartass passenger sez: Superman don't need no seatbelt! Stewardess fires back: Superman don't need no airplane smartass!!

 

[karlac]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

 

[karlac]

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrat family members actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

 

[Charlie]

Epic!

 

[avvidclif]

Amen

 

[orbitup]

A man walks into the doctor's office without any trousers on.


The doctor says "I can clearly see you're nuts"